By Bill Dawes with Izzy Smeggins<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Local legend, Bucky the \u201cBock Bock\u201d Jensen, has recently been accused of digging holes for nefarious reasons around town. Last week, Jensen come into some heat for purposely digging a hole in the path of a small dog, owned by local very, very sick little girl, Annabelle. Prior to this incident, Belle – which her friends would call her if she had friends – used to constantly walk the streets with her extremely scared, always-pooping dog by her side. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt was a complete accident,\u201d Jensen told me in an exclusive interview. \u201cPlease do not publish this part. You\u2019re not publishing this part, are you? I can\u2019t tell if you\u2019re nodding? Anywho, the hole was meant for her, NOT the dog. Yes, the dog is covered in crusted-over diarrhea, but it\u2019s cute. However, the sick little girl freaks me out. I get she is only a little girl, but she\u2019s frightened me so deep to my core that I pee my pants whenever I think about her. People are starting to remember me now just for my jeans always being soggy after being scared to death by the little girl\u2026Look, I\u2019m peeing my pants a little right now. Can you see? I\u2019m wearing light gray slacks, it\u2019s pretty obvious, but you\u2019re not putting this in the article, right? It\u2019s extremely embarrassing and might literally kill my mother if this is printed,\u201d Jensen concluded, referring to his aging mother, Adrienne Jensen, the school superintendent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Buckifer Jensen III became a media sensation for driving his car off of a very large ramp over many school buses and on impact, crushing one of his testicles so hard that it disintegrated into pure energy, which subsequently earned him an honorable mention for the Nobel Prize in Physics. Jensen always dreamed of becoming a national celebrity and the next \u201cBachelor,\u201d but his \u201cNobel nut\u201d (as the Swedes on the Novel committee called it), fell out of the news cycle because of an historic local school shooting. Not THAT one, the other one. Since his 15 minutes of fame, Jensen refers to himself as a \u201cmessed up, kind of rude guy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Multiple reports confirm Jensen has been seen around town with comically huge peepee stains for several weeks. One might think he would learn a lesson and buy some diapers, but if he even thinks about approaching the incontinence section of the supermarket, the \u201ccreepy, sinful Annebelle\u201d sends him dream visions of the \u201creal Apocalypse,\u201d according to Jensen. \u201cIt is almost as if seeing this grown man piss his pants everyday at her whim is the one thing that brings her lost soul joy,\u201d Jensen testified in court in front of Judge Hardwick earlier this week. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As of this reporting, the trail has been dismissed because \u201cThis is (sic) retarded,\u201d according to now-fired Judge Hardwick. In the meantime, both parties have filed emergency restraining orders against each other <\/p>\n\n\n\n
**** Izzy Smeggins covers local gossip and human interest stories in her \u201cAbout Town!\u201d column when she\u2019s not working at the Dairy Queen off Route 82. Bring this article in for 1\/2 off a seasonal Blizzard. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Local legend, Bucky the \u201cBock Bock\u201d Jensen, has recently been accused of digging holes for nefarious reasons around town. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":2138,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2137","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mediapub.live\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/local.jpg?fit=730%2C290&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/peiQC1-yt","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/15"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2137"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2139,"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2137\/revisions\/2139"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2138"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2137"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2137"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mediapub.live\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2137"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}