BREAKING: Marvel Debuts ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Trailer, introduces 19 New Heroes Including “Miss Dental Hygienist”

LAS VEGAS – Marvel Studios unveiled the first trailer for Avengers: Doomsday at CinemaCon this week, promising the biggest, loudest, and most confusing superhero movie ever made. Not only will it feature every character you’ve ever heard of, it will also include several you absolutely have not.

The trailer teased Robert Downey Jr. as Doctor Doom, “the most powerful villain yet.” Which usually ends with him standing there while 14 people hit him at once.

But the real shock came when Marvel introduced a new wave of heroes to “balance the universe,” including:

• Captain Mild Discomfort, who senses when someone feels “a little off”
• The Human Spreadsheet, who can calculate anything instantly but insists on showing his work on paper
• Doctor Eh, who heals people by saying, “Eh. You’ll be fine”
• The Beige Panther, whose power is blending into any room and turning it incredibly bland

The footage showed returning heroes like Thor, Spiderman, and Steve Rogers (who makes his dramatic comeback) standing side-by-side with new recruits like Invisible Jeff, whose only ability is becoming invisible when he feels threatened, and Magneto’s Intern, who can move staples, paperclips, and smaller pieces of aluminum foil, but only if Magneto lets him wear the helmet.

At one point, Professor Xavier warns, “We are facing an unthinkable decision,” immediately followed by Ant-Man asking, “Wait, who invited that guy?” while pointing at a man in a cape and khakis labeled simply as “Scott.”

Marvel executives insisted the film raises the stakes.

The trailer ends with Doctor Doom standing over the Avengers, declaring, “You cannot stop what is coming,” before being cut off by The Pontificatour, a polite British hero who asks villains to completely explain themselves when making threats so everyone understands entirely.

Avengers: Doomsday arrives this December. Or whenever Marvel runs out of people to put in it.

~ Jel Michaels – Las Vegas, NV