2023 Weekly Horoscope
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Aries: Your independent electric company venture (funded by Dana White, President of the UFC) will go belly up this week. “White Power Inc.” was a bad choice
Taurus: Time to look for a new job. Looks like the door-to-door meth/heroin sales market just isn’t what it used to be.
Gemini: Your 23-year old date invites you to your first rave and offers you ecstasy to enhance the experience. After 15-minutes on the dance floor your ass detonates with explosive diarrhea. Be sure to thank your date for the accidental dose of ColonBlast laxative.
Cancer: Your Bed and Breakfast idea is great. Unfortunately, the Station Wagon you’re living in may be a little cramped for additional guests.
Leo: Be very wary of the interview you’re giving for the childrens clown/magician ad from Craigslist. Stripping is normally not part of this type of evaluation.
Virgo: The general anesthesia wears off and you start regaining consciousness. While still a little groggy, you feel a pat on the shoulder as the man in the white coat tells you, “Good news. It’s nothing very serious. A few polyps, a couple of hemorrhoids, and there are some genital warts. But nothing serious.” You breathe a sigh of relief… until you remember that this is your dentist.
Libra: Don’t give it the benefit of the doubt. It’s definitely expired.
Scorpio: Do it! You’ve practiced your whole life for this. The time has come. The World is ready and in need of a Bay City Rollers cover band.
Sagittarius: You’ve always been so self conscious of your weight, your nose, your teeth, third nipple (on your shoulder), and your overall physical sense of self. Your blind date arrives at the restaurant with a white cane with a red tip and dark sunglasses. Mazel Tov! Your blind date is blind!
Capricorn: No. They don’t match. You look stupid.
Aquarius: Keep your eye on the prize. Keep working hard. Keep your head held high. Don’t stop. Keep your foot on the pedal and the pedal to the floor. Good things are coming… but just in case they don’t, buy lots of drugs. Serenity now, Baby!
Pisces: The advice you receive and the steps you take from that advice go just horribly wrong. An absolute disaster. Epic fail. STOP LISTENING TO HOROSCOPES, ASSHOLE!
All that and he didn’t even check for cavities? Sheesh.
I wish I’d read this before my interview. Bozo looked so nice on his linked-in!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!
I think we’ll call ourselves the Sun City Bowlers.
I love this! These are my favorite!
I’ll just wear Depends to the rave I guess. Ha Ha
I love these although I think door to door sales is still a growing industry…. 🙂