A New Pandemic?

By Jel Michaels

While the World has been ravaged by COVID, and America is entering an extreme Influenza pandemic to boot, a new virus seems to be taking hold in the town of Vapid, Indiana. Several individuals in this small town are laying claim to this quickly spreading illness currently being known as “Pimply Ooey Gooey Proviso.”

The illness has spread amongst three families residing in Vapid: the Puddenheeds, the Dullerdsons, and the Doltstones. Sixteen members between the three families had already shown symptoms.

Chester Puddenheed, Father to Dirk, Randall, Tucker, and Randel (with one “L”), first came down with the itchy, puss-filled sores in his genital area. Mother, Delta Puddenheed, did not show any symptoms until a friendly shopping date with Brother-In-Law, Archie Doltstone. After a get-together between the Puddenheeds and the Dullerdsons, Lulu, Luanne, and Sissy Dullerdson (daughters of Chester and Ramona Dullerdson) shared the same symptoms. Luanne had previously been engaged to Dirk Puddenheed. Lulu had also been engaged to Dirk previously, as well as Randel (with one “L”). Archie Doltstone’s wife, Mandy, had been caretaker to Tucker Puddenheed when he had suffered a strained groin sustained in a freak cow-tipping accident. At one time, The Doltstone’s children, Lexie, Brucie, and Willard, ran the website “Lookie Lookie, We Got Tushies.” All three have been linked to relationships with the Dullerdson children over the past two months. Brucie twice dated Luanne Dullerdson. All sixteen have reported the itching, burning, puss-filled sores, along with burning while urinating.

When reached for comment, the local General Practitioner, Dr. Steven Levine told this reporter, “Pimply ooey Gooey Proviso? They can call it whatever they want. They all have Gonorrhea. These people need to start dating outside their family circle!”