About Town

By Bill Dawes with Izzy Smeggins

Local legend, Bucky the “Bock Bock” Jensen, has recently been accused of digging holes for nefarious reasons around town. Last week, Jensen come into some heat for purposely digging a hole in the path of a small dog, owned by local very, very sick little girl, Annabelle. Prior to this incident, Belle – which her friends would call her if she had friends – used to constantly walk the streets with her extremely scared, always-pooping dog by her side. 

“It was a complete accident,” Jensen told me in an exclusive interview. “Please do not publish this part. You’re not publishing this part, are you? I can’t tell if you’re nodding? Anywho, the hole was meant for her, NOT the dog. Yes, the dog is covered in crusted-over diarrhea, but it’s cute. However, the sick little girl freaks me out. I get she is only a little girl, but she’s frightened me so deep to my core that I pee my pants whenever I think about her. People are starting to remember me now just for my jeans always being soggy after being scared to death by the little girl…Look, I’m peeing my pants a little right now. Can you see? I’m wearing light gray slacks, it’s pretty obvious, but you’re not putting this in the article, right?  It’s extremely embarrassing and might literally kill my mother if this is printed,” Jensen concluded, referring to his aging mother, Adrienne Jensen, the school superintendent. 

Buckifer Jensen III became a media sensation for driving his car off of a very large ramp over many school buses and on impact, crushing one of his testicles so hard that it disintegrated into pure energy, which subsequently earned him an honorable mention for the Nobel Prize in Physics. Jensen always dreamed of becoming a national celebrity and the next “Bachelor,” but his “Nobel nut” (as the Swedes on the Novel committee called it), fell out of the news cycle because of an historic local school shooting. Not THAT one, the other one. Since his 15 minutes of fame, Jensen refers to himself as a “messed up, kind of rude guy.”

Multiple reports confirm Jensen has been seen around town with comically huge peepee stains for several weeks. One might think he would learn a lesson and buy some diapers, but if he even thinks about approaching the incontinence section of the supermarket, the “creepy, sinful Annebelle” sends him dream visions of the “real Apocalypse,” according to Jensen. “It is almost as if seeing this grown man piss his pants everyday at her whim is the one thing that brings her lost soul joy,” Jensen testified in court in front of Judge Hardwick earlier this week. 

As of this reporting, the trail has been dismissed because “This is (sic) retarded,” according to now-fired Judge Hardwick. In the meantime, both parties have filed emergency restraining orders against each other 

**** Izzy Smeggins covers local gossip and human interest stories in her “About Town!” column when she’s not working at the Dairy Queen off Route 82. Bring this article in for 1/2 off a seasonal Blizzard.