Advice Column: Ask A….?

This week’s advice column features Conspiracy Theorist, Jack Q. Public (our guest advice columnist will not reveal his actual name because the government is using electro-stagnocto transmitters to trace his whereabouts whenever his actual name shows up in print, as he has explained to us).

My girlfriend can only reach sexual climax when we are in the missionary position. I want to explore more options and be more creative, but she says that it just doesn’t excite her. What can I do? How would you approach this if you were me? – Rich G. Northbrook, IL

First of all, PLEASE do not give me your name!!! I do not want to know your name! Never give out your name! To protect your full legal name, don’t tell people your middle name or your true first name. Don’t even give out a nickname. Use a number. But make it a long number. Limit the number of people who know your full name to those who really do need to know it. Immediate family only. Maybe only one parent. The other can use the determined number that you choose. No cousins, aunts, uncles… brothers and sisters, maybe. But only favorites. And don’t put it on your driver’s license or passport. Misspell it if they make you give a name on these documents. Credit and debit cards, no problem. You should not have any anyway. Technically they are illegal, as are checks, money orders, and all forms of crypto currency. All utilities should be in the names of your pets, real or imaginary. And above all else, stay away from putting your name on all government forms. Especially taxes… which are also technically illegal!

I am a third-grade teacher in Natchez, New Mexico. I am starting to teach my kiddos about dinosaurs. Several kids are somewhat bullying the other kids by scaring them by telling them dinosaurs are monsters. Now I have a roomful of kids scared to death of dinosaurs. How can I calm them down to get back to the lesson plan? – (Name omitted by editor at the request of Advice Columnist)

First of all, many scientists have said that birds are the oldest living descendants of dinosaurs. However, birds are NOT real. Peter McIndoe, proved in 2017 that birds aren’t real. Birds are surveillance drones made by the U.S. government. Therefore, dinosaurs never actually existed. You are probably better off ditching your scheduled lesson plan. You should rather concentrate on a closer topic which IS true; the U.S. government (or perhaps the entire world government) is run by reptilian humanoids. David Icke has been a keynote speaker and expert on the theory of reptilian shapeshifters who control the world’s governments. This actually will sometimes overlap with the New World Order fact that an elite cabal plan to institute authoritarian global government is present. Your best bet for your kiddos, if you actually care about them, is to teach them the TRUTH!

I am not a very religious person, but with the state of the World as it is, I am thinking of giving it an honest try. Is there a particular religion that you lean towards? – (Name omitted by editor at the request of Advice Columnist)

Let me put it to you like this:

In the 80’s and 90’s there was a gaggle of underground Satanists kidnapping, torturing, and abusing children. Geraldo Rivera is the man that cracked the story in 1988. Satanism experts exposed over 3.2 million Satanists in the United States alone. Remember the McMartin preschool trial? Satanist daycare owners abusing children! Secret tunnels under the school and witches flying through the air to make beer-runs. Granted, the daycare owners were eventually acquitted and had the charges dismissed, but they went back to their lair and began planning their next reign of terror. The fact that nothing has happened since only proves that more is to come… soon.

I’m a Scientologist. The one TRUE religion. Assalamualaikum, L. Ron Hubbard.