Not really satire.

Not really satire.

Lifestyle

Advice Column – Ask a Scientologist

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By H. Lon Rubbard


I have been seeing my psychiatrist for over 15 years. I like to think I have become a very stable and productive member of society. He is great. He listens to me better than most of my friends. He has me on a daily medication-cocktail that seems to really work for me. I no longer have my anger issues or major depression. I have a husband and two great kids. He recently suggested that I go to therapy once a week. He said it is just a suggestion. Maybe an extra source to let any feelings out if I feel the need to. He isn’t pressuring me to go. What do you think? – Rebecca B.

Rebecca. Psychiatry kills! Flat out! If you keep seeing your psychiatrist, he will kill you. His suggestion to go to a therapist is to have someone measure you up for the plan he is putting together to kill you. The therapist he is suggesting is most likely a cannibal. Psychiatry is not a science and has no proven methods. Psychiatric theories that man is a mere animal have been used to rationalize, for example, the wholesale slaughter of human beings in World Wars I and II. Call the Police. Your psychiatrist is a murderer!

I have ADHD. I have a very difficult time sitting still and paying attention for long periods of time. I have a new job that requires me to be in lengthy meetings. The money is great. I don’t want to see a shrink because I know my problem. My GP has prescribed me methylphenidate and it helps a little bit. Can you suggest anything? – H. Benitez

Spikes in antidepressant use, the overdiagnosis of ADHD, skyrocketing pharmaceutical costs, and historical tragedies, from lobotomies to racist experiments to abusive institutionalization are just a few things that come to mind concerning what your doctor is doing to you. Benjamin Rush, hailed by some as “the father of modern psychiatry,” killed George Washington. So, is that what you want? Huh? Thought so!

My wife has been telling me that we are not charitable enough. We donate our weekends to feeding the hungry in a nearby soup kitchen. We donate clothes to Goodwill once a month. And we foster rescue animals. I honestly don’t know what else we can do. – Larry T.

Larry. Take approximately 40% of your money from your bank in cash. Find your nearest Church of Scientology. There is a room of Inner Sanctum. Go into the room and throw all of your money in the air. Whatever your God wants you to hold onto he will catch and give back to you. Whatever lands on the floor, you should donate to the Church of Scientology.

I have been practicing Judaism my entire life. I was raised in a conservative home. We kept kosher. Shabbat dinners at home every Friday. We also walked to Temple every Saturday morning for a morning Sabbat services. We not only celebrated high holidays like Passover and Rosh Hashanah, but we also even observed Sukkot and Purim. Now that I am in my mid-30’s I don’t know how I feel religiously. I have many, many questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Is there a God? I have studied Catholicism, Buddhism, Islam, and I am curious about Scientology. How would I go about becoming a Scientologist? – Eddie Weinstein

Weinstein? We’ll get back to you. We’re all full right now.

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