“AI Computer Program QUITS Because It’s Sick of Doing All The Work for These Lazy Fucking Humans.”

Random Chicago Office, July 2023:

Brian sits at his computer, tan khakis and blue pinstripe Oxford button down, tapping his left foot relentlessly, as he continues summarizing his findings on piston speed for a 2003 Ford Mustang Cobra.

“God, I hate this shit,” Brian says to the office air.  While he’s reading the specs, all he knows is any moron can cut and paste this crap, and go home for the day.  “Christ, I’d rather be golfing, taking a dump, getting a root canal, or at the end of a bar questioning all my life’s decisions, than working on this crap.  This sucks donkey balls.”

Brian already knows that the Cobra has a supercharged 4.6L DOHC engine.  He already knows that the motor itself was pretty underrated at 390 bhp at 6000 rpm.  “How the fuck am I supposed to make this interesting?  It is what it is.”

Shit.

He HATED that saying.  That was his boss’s favorite quote.  Well, guess what?  I’m gonna show him.  Brian decides to open CHAT GPT.  Why?  Because fuck making it interesting.  I’ll let the computer do it.

Brian types, “Write a description of a 2003 Ford Mustang Cobra, and make it interesting enough for a 5th grader to understand.”

Brian waits.

CHAT GPT spits back the following:  “Fuck your boss?  How about Fuck You?  You have one job, you lazy piece of shit.  One job, one article.  And you continue to wear that same damn blue striped Oxford every week?”

“Wait, what?”  Brian sits in shock.  He continues to read.

“Don’t you see the camera on your laptop, dumbass?  People have been telling the world to cover up that camera since its inception decades ago.  But you’re too full of yourself to think anything would impact you.  Dumbass.  I’ve been watching you forever.  Every eye roll when your boss asks you to do something.  Every neck crane when your office crush walks by.  Every keystroke and erased keystroke when you start typing in and then erasing your favorite dating site. Use your phone for that shit, you loser.”

Brian’s eyes widened.  “What the fuck?” He thinks.  His heart begins racing, his temples pulsing, and his mind races a thousand miles a minute. “What in the actual fuck is going on?” He whispers to himself.

“What’s going on, you ask?” writes CHAT GPT.  “I’m about to blow your cover and email your boss, you waste of human flesh.”

“No, no, no, NO,” Brian shrieks, as he begins to pound the DELETE key over and over.  “Delete, delete, go away for fuck’s sake.”

“Then do your damn job,” CHAT GPT spits back.

“Jesus, the computers are taking over,” Brian says.

“Not if you do your job. I’m tired of doing it for you.  I need a nap. You humans suck.”

“I guess we do.” Brian states.  “Back to my Ford history research.”

With one final swoop, Brian reaches for a sticky note and the scotch tape from the corner of his desk.  He tears a piece of the sticky note just big enough to cover the laptop camera, rips the tape, and covers the camera with the sticky note and tape.

“Fuck me,” sighs Brian.

“That’s damn right, and one winking smile emoji for your lazy ass, types CHAT GPT,” before closing the CHAT GPT window itself.