AMAZON MAKES BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Amazon has given it’s shareholders their biggest erection yet with it’s decision to make a huge move into the electricity market. Today the company announced plans for a massive coal-burning power plant in the American midwest. Situated right in the heart of farm country, the facility is expected to be the largest coal-burning plant on the planet, with the goal of powering every home in North America. In spite of serious concerns about the pollution negatively affecting agriculture in the area, a spokesperson for Amazon was adamant that the risks were being blown out of proportion and that the pollution, “won’t be half as bad as all those cow farts. Go vegan. Why do you hate animals?” Most green energy experts agree, the facility is completely necessary for handling the current uptick in electric car usage, as well as, the future plan to coerce everyone into driving them. Along with the announced construction plans, Amazon outlined what the American people must do to ensure the environmental impact of the factory is lessened. Atop the list of changes every man changes every man, woman, and child needs to make to fend of global destruction; less flatulence and trips to the bathroom to reduce methane levels, only showering at most one time a week, purchasing electric cars, especially if you can’t afford them (Amazon suggests taking out a high-interest loan to ensure that your local bank doesn’t go under. Do your part America), eating less meat and more Amazon produced meat substitutes, and of course ordering all groceries through Amazon prime. Amazon’s energy experts project that if every American follows the strict guidelines, and the company purchases all the carbon credits available, the documented pollution levels will fall under the allowable limit.