Are You Ready, Sports Fans?

Being in the age of Sports 2.0, we are seeing a surge in new professional sporting contests. Pickle Ball, Slapping, and Hobby Horse Jumping have taken over the ESPN2 airwaves on a nightly basis from 2:00 AM until Sportscenter comes on at 5:00 AM. And aiming to please hungry sports fans looking for something new, the latest in Pro Sports has reared its head:

Head Bashing.

Now you have to understand, this is an individual contest. It is NOT, and should not be confused with, Head “Butting”. The rules are simple and are judged on a ten-point scale similar to Boxing.

There are three phases of the contest. But first you should know the history behind how the sport was created.

At the Black Row Irish Pub on State Street in Boston, Massachusetts, Darts has always been king. The star of the Dart Board for the last 2 years has been “Big” Billy Fields. On June 2^nd of this year, Billy had been playing in a Cricket Tournament at the Black Rose and, as always, made it into the final round. (Cricket is one of the most famous choices of dart games.) His rival, Dickie McMillan, was his competition for the crown on that day. Billy threw what seemed to be a triple-point 19 on his last throw to win the Cricket Tournament. But when Dickie went down to verify the scoring, he noticed that the metal border was bent, and the dart actually landed on 7. Therefore, the game was still on.

This did not sit well with Billy. It turned into quite the argument and the two became enraged, going nose to nose in a screaming match. With intense frustration, Billy turned and slammed his head into a cocktail table just right of the Darts area. The slamming of his head left an actual impression on the table. Not to be outdone, Dickie also slammed his head into a separate table actually cracking the table and causing a gash in his forehead.

Not to be shown up, Billy took an empty beer bottle and smashed it over his head splintering the glass bottle causing a severe cut to the top of his head. In retaliation, Dickie took a 16-ounce beer mug and bashed his head with it. Unfortunately for Dickie, the mug did not break but intensified the cut on his head causing the bleeding to flow more heavily.

To man up after failing to break the beer mug, he decided to take a running start at the wood paneled wall slamming his forehead into it denting the finish. Billy, as a fierce competitor, followed suit and bashed his head into the same wall cracking the wood paneling.

As the entire bar watched and cheered the men on, patrons all held up fingers scoring their efforts with 9’s and 10’s and declaring Billy the Winner. The bar manager bought drinks for the two men for the rest of the night. And a new sport was born.

So, the three rounds of the new professional sport consist of:

1. Forehead Table Slamming
2. Glass Breaking (Beer Bottles or 16-ounce Mugs. Mugs get a bonus point if broken. Bottles get a point deduction if NOT broken. No deduction if the mug does not break.)
3. Wall Slamming.

Additionally, the 10-point must system is also judged on bleeding (size of wound and amount of blood spilled).

The first professional bout took place on Friday, June 23^rd between Billy and Dickie as the founders of the sport in the 1^st National Head Bashing Tournament of Champions. Unfortunately for Dickie, Billy was again the victor.

Currently, on the Injured List, Billy is resting comfortably at the Boston Medical Center and has been able to start pronouncing small words and drooling has become very minimal. He is still being fed intravenously and is enjoying watching Disney cartoons very much when not sleeping.

Dickie is still comatose, but doctors say his vital signs are great.