Ask A Delta Iota Kappa Fraternity Brother

This week’s guest Advice Columnist is Chad LaPorte. He is better known to his fraternity brothers as “Mad Chad”. He is a 5^th year Junior at San Diego State University. He is majoring in English as a Second Language and minoring in Typing. Chad hails from Laguna Beach, California. It is important for him to let you know he drives a cherry red 1969 Camaro with an Edelbrock 46913 Performer RPM E-Tec Pro-Flo 4XT EFI 442 HP Small Block Chevy Crate Engine.

Rick A. – Cherry Hill, New Jersey – I have made a HUGE mistake. I have been with my girlfriend for 8 months. We went to her friend’s wedding, and I drank way too much. I couldn’t help it. The atmosphere and the whole vibe of the occasion led me to the decision to ask her to marry me while we were there. She said “Yes”. This was 3 weeks ago. She has told everyone she knows. She has started to look at houses, wedding dresses, cakes, caterers, DJs, and anything else that could possibly be associated with getting married. I screwed this up royally. I don’t want to get married. Hell! I was even contemplating breaking up with her 2-weeks before her friend’s wedding. I’ve slept with 3 of her friends. Whenever I go out with my friends I usually hook up with a girl. I have no business being a husband. How do I get out of this without absolutely crushing her?

Rick. Dude. Not cool on so many levels, Dude. First of all, is she hot? Like on a scale of 1 to 10, where is she at? Think about it, Man. Have you seen her mom? That’s a preview, Bra. How’s her bod? Does she have any serious scars or maybe body-blows? If she’s a hottie, stick around for a minute and see what’s what, Dude. If it looks like she’s going to seriously be a giant donkey kicking your ass all the time when you want to crash out or play video games and shit, lose this appendage, Man. Pronto. If she’s bummed about it, it is what it is. The best thing I can say is to take her to a strip club and see how she acts. Is she cool? Does she take a lap dance of her own for the team? Team being YOU. If she’s that cool, hang on. Lots of chicks don’t pull that off clean, Bra. You’re screwed otherwise. Might as well fake your death, Dude, because you’re going to die inside.

Natalie V. – Chandler, Arizona – My dog is just stupid. I have taken him to classes and trainers just to try and teach him the simplest things. Sit. Stay. Speak. He will walk up to me while I am on the couch, lick my hand, and proceed to take a dump on the carpet right in front of me. Last night he jumped up on the bed, licked my face to be sure I was awake, and then took a piss right next to me ON the bed. If I even crack the door open, he runs away like his ass is on fire. I love him to death. He is so cute. He’s a mini-Lab-mix. But I cannot take it much longer. I am thinking about finding him another home, but I really don’t want to. Any suggestions? 

Natalie. First of all, are you hot? Dogs tend to be dumb when their owners aren’t so good-looking. Maybe you need to fix yourself before you fix the dog. Do you work out? By the sound of it, you need to start doing some push-aways. Like “push away from the dinner table”. You should be waking up super early to make up your face. You need to join a gym, too. I have a buddy with a gym near you in Gilbert. It’s called Dino’s Hotties Bodies. I’ll put a good word in for you. He’s a seriously good dude. We’ve known each other, like, forever. He’ll get you in shape and seriously work on your glutes. Do you have a good rack? That’s another thing to think about, Hun. Your dog will want to impress you if you are worth impressing. Get your shit together and your dog probably will, too. If not, sorry. Bummer for you.

Nick T. – Elgin, Illinois – I cannot sell my house. I have had it on the market for 11 months. I do not get it. It is beautiful. Great curb appeal. Nice neighborhood. Near a park and a baseball field. It’s 3,100 square feet. I have a resort quality pool. No HOA. I just cannot understand it. I have come down in price 3 times. I really don’t know what else to do. I am going crazy. I have found 5 different places that I want to move to, but I can’t start the process until I have sold my own. I cannot afford a second mortgage on a new home. Is there anything you can think of to help move the house quickly?

Nick. So not good, Man. Selling your house is rough. I should know. I have lived in houses all my life. Even now. I live in my Frat house. DELTA IOTA KAPPA FOREVER!!! Here’s what you need to do. Find a smoking hot babe of a realtor. The better looking the babe that will sell the house for you, the more dudes will come to look at the house. You may even score with her. I mean, you own a righteous house. That’s a pretty good deal, Bra. She’ll probably be super impressed. A few beers. Take her to a Happy Hour. See if she is up for a little porn-watching action. Dude, this could work out awesome for you! If you get a hottie to sell the house for you, you could score twice, Dude. You sell the house and notch a babe. Win-Win, Bra!