Ask A One-Upper……..

Ask A One-Upper… 

This week’s Advice Columnist is Richard Shockley. Richard didn’t explain exactly what he does for a living, but he assured me that his job is more important than mine and he makes more money than I do.

Evan Cider – Temecula, CA – I have 3 kids and they are quite unruly. I really feel that my wife and I have done our very best as parents. I wouldn’t say that we have spoiled them, but we have done everything we can to make their childhoods enjoyable. They have their gaming system (X-Box), each has a wide screen television in their rooms, I give them $25 a week for an allowance, and all I ask in return is that they do minimal chores around the house and act respectable to their mother and myself. Instead, they are constantly in detention at school. Their grades are horrible. They get into fights. Just not well-behaved children at all. What am I missing? How can I make them better behaved and more respectable?

Evan. I have 5 kids. My wife was voted Mother of the Year in our state and another state that we don’t even live in. We lay down the law in my house, which is more of a mansion than a house. My kids have X-Box, PlayStation, 25 full-size arcade games, and Virtual Reality games. My kids all have IMAX in their rooms. I give them all $250 a day for allowance. They mow the lawn every day (sometimes twice a day), paint the house weekly, and install new carpet and hardwood flooring in the house every 3 months. When my wife comes into the room, they are instructed to bow to her and make sure that she is propped up with pillows and blankets when she sits on her 18^th century throne (that cost $212,000). They have never been in detention. In fact, they monitor detention for their teachers in the school and are paid handsomely to do so. The get straight A’s sometimes, but mostly A1’s, which are superior to A’s. They will all be going to college by the time they turn 13. They are MMA professionals, so they have never lost a fight, and are hailed for their skills by local and national sporting organizations. I think you are lacking in many areas as a Father. You need a lot of work. I think I put in a lot more work than you do. 

Cynthia Ladermoore – Reno, NV – I have been trying to get a promotion at my job. I am a CPA. This is my busy season with taxes. Not only am I stressed with catching up on all of my clients’ taxes, but I owe over $6,000 myself. My workload is so big that it is almost impossible to handle. But I keep going, trying to show my boss that I am worth a promotion. Can you recommend any way for me to handle my job and personal financial life without going absolutely mad?

Cynthia. I have been promoted 7 times in the past 6 months. I am actually a CPAA+. I finish people’s taxes in an average of 4-minutes per client. I have a tax refund of $112,000 coming to me this tax season. My workload is probably 5-times as big as yours since I am the President of 14 different Tax Firms. I have never had to impress my boss because I took over my only boss’ position just one week after starting my first job, and I have been my own boss ever since. I have written 22 books on handling personal finances and how to become a millionaire in 2 days. I give lectures in the USA, Canada, Mexico, Guam, Italy, France, Poland, and Denmark. I speak over 40 different languages. You need to figure out how to be better at what you do. This is all your fault. Not mine. 

Todd Goldberg – Cicero, IL – I really need help so I can meet a woman. I haven’t had a real date for almost a year. I am a little overweight. My complexion is not great. I do have nice hair. I am about 6’ 3”. So, I actually look more muscular than fat. I am a little awkward when it comes to speaking to woman. I try to think of fun things to do and places to go to meet women. I have tried dating services and websites, but none have really worked out for me. I am working at a decent job, so I have some money. But I don’t think that this is the best way to attract a woman. Or is it? I am really lost. What advice can you give me so I can meet someone?

Todd. I have dated over 5,000 women. I am currently married to 12 women. I have diplomatic immunity, so it is legal for me to marry as many women as I want. I fall under the “Awesome Guy” stipulation with the Government. I am 6’ 7”, and I weigh 210 pounds with .000001% body fat. I have been a professional boxer, football player, baseball player, Olympian, WWE Wrestler, and world record jump roper. I am a model for Oil of Olay face cream because my complexion is perfect. My stylist keeps the hair that she cuts from my mane and sells it for $5,000 a pound. I speak to women in a way that actually hypnotizes them into liking everything I say. I bring women to only the greatest events. Music concerts: I always have backstage passes. Comedy shows; I always have dinner with the Comedians after the show. I have even taught magicians how to do their tricks; Penn and Teller, David Copperfield, and even Doug Henning (RIP, I delivered his eulogy), just to name a few. I can’t participate in dating services anymore because I get so many responses that it crashes the websites. I have a much better job than you, so I make about 50-times more money than you. I always buy a woman a 50-carat diamond ring on a first date, just as an introduction gift. So, you need to be better looking and rich. Stop being ugly and poor.