Ask A…..Paranoid Schizophrenic

This week MPL’s guest advise columnist is (name omitted at the request of our guest advise columnist). Remember to send your advice questions to stuart@mediapub.live.

I have been with my boyfriend for about nine months. He just dropped the “L” word on me. When he said that he loved me, I responded by giving him a really big kiss and we made love. But I did not tell him that I love him, because I honestly don’t know. I feel like he could be the one. But I’m not certain. How do I tell him that I’m just not ready to tell him that I love him back? – Melissa M – Minot, ND 

First off, you have to find out how many other people he has told that he loves you, because you are definitely being judged by them. If he has told his parents then you are in big trouble. Since you have not told him that you love him, they are most likely telling him that he should move on. But they are very likely helping him plot a way to hurt you mentally and physically. The best advise I can give is to just lie. Tell him you love him and leave the state. Definitely smash your computer, cell phone, and any other means of tracking you because they will try to hunt you down and kill you.

My wife loves to cook… but she is just horrible at it. She tried to put her own “spin” on everything. Crushed Doritos in the spaghetti. Cream of Banana soup. Pickle burritos. Just horrible combinations. I don’t have the heart to tell her. What is the nicest way to break it to her that she is a terrible cook? – Mitchell R. – Salina, TX 

It sounds like she is grooming you to get used to what I refer to as “texture tolerant consumption.” She is trying to get you to the point where you’ll consume anything no matter how crunchy, mushy, or chewy it is. The Doritos will slowly be replaced with glass. The bananas with C-4 plastic explosive, and the pickles with… I don’t know. Maybe just poison injected pickles. It sounds to me like she is likely part of some kind of Dead Pool betting contest, and you are on her list. There is a good chance that she has let a few of her friends in on the secret. If her friends come to the house with cookies or anything consumable, I would steer clear of them. It’s obvious that she is trying to kill you. I would get out of this relationship as quickly as possible. You are in a great deal of danger.

I just started working for a new company and I am knocking it out of the park. My numbers are just dwarfing everyone else’s and I’ve only been here for two months. My boss loves me. She has taken me out to lunch a dozen times and tells me how great I am doing. In my second month with the company I was named employee of the month. However, I get the feeling that I am not very well liked by my coworkers. When I come into a room conversations immediately stop. When people talk to others around me they cover their mouths and whisper. They go to lunch together and I have never once been invited. I honestly feel like I am not liked at all and not respected for the work I am doing here. What should I do? – Brian W. – Naples, FL 

Quit bitching and moaning. You’re just being paranoid.