Ask A Recently Divorced Man

Our Guest Advice Columnist is Edward Block. Edward is from Edgewater, New Jersey and has been divorced for 5 months. He has two children. 7-year-old Tanner and 9-year-old Tabatha. He is currently residing at The Budget Inn & Suites in Vorhees Township, New Jersey.

Eric W. – Highland Park, Illinois – I have 2 kids. One is 14 and the other is 2. My 2-year-old is going though the “Terrible 2’s”. He is so wound up all of the time. It’s like raising a squirrel. Or like trying to herd a cat. He just bounces off the walls, spits out any food we feed him, and his answer to everything is “No”. My 14-year-old daughter is almost ashamed to have parents. She makes me drop her off 4 blocks away from school so her friends don’t see her being dropped off by her dad. She says that her mother and I embarrass her. And apparently, we know nothing. She has all of the answers. What can we do to tame these out-of-control kids?

Are you freaking kidding me? I get to see my kids twice a month for 3-hours at a time in a 10’ by 10’ room with a lady with a clipboard watching us do jigsaw puzzles. I get to listen to them talk to me about “Uncle Todd,” my ex-neighbor who has made himself very comfortable in my… excuse me… my wife’s house and bed. Apparently, “Uncle Todd” has season tickets to the Mets. I get to hear about all the fun they have at the ballgames followed by questions like, “Why don’t you take us to baseball games, Dad? Uncle Todd takes us to baseball games. Uncle Todd makes pancakes every weekend. Uncle Todd makes the best hot dogs.” Blah, blah, blah. Count your lucky freaking stars, Eric… you Dick! 

Michael K. – Henderson, Nevada – My wife is driving me crazy. She just won’t stop badgering me about getting a new car. I want to buy this very nice 2021 Lincoln Navigator. V6 engine. Only 19,600 miles on it. Cherry red. Not a scratch or a dent on it. But all she wants is the new model 2024 Cadillac XT4 Sport. $89,499. Most likely I’ll give in and get what she wants. But, do you have any advice on how I may be able to sway her into buying the more sensible car that I want?

Are you freaking kidding me? I had a 5-Speed, 6.2 Liter, Black Camaro Muscle Car with only 32,000 miles on it. Guess what? “Uncle Todd” is driving around in it now. My custom Roadster, 2800 RPM, 12 bolt rear positraction, TCI tube frame chassis front and back coil over shocks on all 4 wheels, Edelbrock 4-barrel baby is now being driven by that homewrecker son of a bitch. And you are bitching about a new car for your honey bunny wife? Get her whatever the Hell she wants… Dick! 

Stacy R. – Munster, Indiana – My boyfriend and I just fight about everything. And now he says that he thinks I am cheating on him. Am I not allowed to have any male friends? I still have male friends from high school. Am I supposed to just cut them off because I am in a relationship now? It’s not my fault that he doesn’t have any female friends. He barely has any friends at all. He says I am his best friend. That is so silly. I’m his girlfriend, not his wife. I go out with my friends a couple times a week without him. Is it a crime that I have fun? Yes. There are some guys that hang out with us. And when I am out with my girlfriends, if guys buy us some drinks are we supposed to say No? It’s just a couple of drinks. He is SO possessive. What can I do to make him relax and loosen up the leash a little bit?

Are you freaking kidding me? Obviously, you’re cheating on him! You are SUPPOSED to be his best friend! You are SUPPOSED to say NO when strangers buy you drinks. You are SUPPOSED to include him in your fun. What the Hell is the matter with you? Did you flunk Relationships 101? Loosen the leash? Are you serious? You should be kissing his hairy beanbag for giving you so much leeway to begin with. Do you know what happened to me when I started seeing my wife go out with the “Girls” two or three times a week? TODD!!! That’s what happened. Cut the ties now. Your priorities are so out of whack! Sounds like you need a compass to find your way back to this relationship. Hasta la vista, baby… Dick!