Ask an Astrologer

Our guest Advice Columnist this week is Madam Ruth Zsuzsanna. Madam Zsuzsanna is a Hungarian Astrologer and Fortune Teller. She says that she has had a relationship with the Universe since she was a small child. She is based in Lenox, Massachusetts. Her “Mystic Den” is called “Madam Zsuzsanna’s Mystic Hollow”. She has been in business for 23 years. She charges $55 per session and sells Mary Kay Cosmetics on the side.

Lisa C – Le Claire, Iowa: My fiancé is so great. He is handsome. He is successful. He dresses to the 9’s all of the time. He is a real catch. I feel so lucky. The downside is that girls constantly flirt with him, even when I am with him. He says he only has eyes for me, but I catch him looking sometimes. He’s never done anything to make me feel insecure. He compliments me all of the time. I am just naturally jealous because he is so well put together. How can I overcome these feelings of jealousy? I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life as his wife.

Lisa. I see a very handsome Aries in your future. This may even be your fiancé. But beware. This person may cause you some very scary moments. Being bold and ambitious, Aries dive headfirst into even the most challenging situations. This may not bode well for you. I see a house with cracks directly up the middle. This person has no interest in mending these cracks. A Leo will enter the picture and it would be wise to welcome this person into your life. They will bring great joy, and many drugs. Using the drugs will enhance your mind to look into other avenues. A Cancer will also enter the picture. Represented by the crab, this Cancer will also give you Crabs. Rely back on the Aries to help you find the cure for your Crabs. Likely in the form of a lotion of shampoo. When in doubt, consult your new Leo friend and see what drugs they recommend to forget about this ridiculous situation you have gotten yourself into. They will most likely recommend Shrooms or Acid along with tickets to Dead & Company. I actually have tickets for the show in Boston if you are interested ($180 for the pair). Ask Leo to join you. The show is going to be great! 

Renee P. – Coupeville, Washington: I am pregnant with twins. I am in my 7^th month. I am so excited. But I am so uncomfortable. And I just feel so alone. My husband is always offering to help, but when I call on him for favors, he is immediately too busy for me. It’s like he wants nothing to do with the whole pregnancy. I have talked to some friends who are parents and they have told me that this is not right. He just skipped our doctor appointment for his fantasy football draft. I was furious! But he’s a good guy. I want to cut him some slack, but it is becoming harder and harder to do so. Since I began my second trimester it seems like his friends have become more important to him than me. I am honestly ready to scream. I am so confused. What can I do to get him to concentrate more on me in this very important time of our lives?

Renee. Obviously, your moon is in Virgo’s path, and Aquarius is there for support. This does not bode well for the Libras and Scorpios in your life. As your babies will be Libras, sure trouble is on its way for them. It sounds like an absentee father is the first hurdle. You need to do something for yourself to make you happy. I see this Aquarius in your near future. Let this Aquarius help you. Maybe just helping to make you look pretty for a while is a nice outlet. Coincidentally, I am an Aquarius. I would suggest the full line of Mary Kay cosmetics. I have a full bundle kit for $224.99 (plus shipping). COD is not permitted. This is cash or money order only. Send this to Ruth Zsuzsanna, care of Mary Kay Cosmetics, PO BOX 666, Lenox, Massachusetts 01421. Allow 14 to 21 business days for shipping. You can contact my friend Janet (who coincidentally is a Virgo) to place your order, as well (http://marykaycosmetics.janetzeyflin//mkc/). She is available 10:00 to 4:00 EST, Monday through Thursday. And the twins will be fine. Your husband sounds like a jerk, though. 

Andy L. – Montpelier, Vermont: Nothing I do seems to help. I am such a sickly person. When I have a cold, it turns into the Flu. When I get over the Flu, I get a sinus infection. When I get over the sinus infection, I get a massive toothache. It is just a constant cycle of one illness after another. I should buy stock in NyQuil, Tylenol, Tums, Advil, Benadryl, etc. I think I am keeping them all in business. I try to exercise. I try to eat right. I have tried yoga, Pilates, meditation… you name it, I’ve tried it. I just cannot seem to get healthy. Is there anything else you can suggest to help me so I am not sick all of the time? Is there something out there I am missing? Please. Any advice would help.

Andy.  I see you aching. I see clouds hovering over you. These are very dark clouds. I feel that these clouds are caused by Pisces swimming in an ocean polluted with Capricorn feces. There is a Capricorn that you are close to that is just making you sick to your stomach. You need to break from this person. I feel that it is a blood relative… or a pet… or a friend… or a boss… or someone you may not know. Whoever it is, I am sure that it is this person. I am sure you know I am correct. Since this foul Capricorn is methodically ingesting your soul and is deliberately trying to sabotage your health, it is time for a change. You need to change jobs… or change a relationship… or change your friends… or change your diet. As you can plainly see, I am certain of this. This Capricorn is conspiring with a Taurus to ruin you. You need a good Astro-Physics cleansing. I have just what you need. My “Madam Zsuzsanna Astro-Cleansing Zodiac Kit” is just $129.99 (plus shipping). COD is not permitted. This is cash or money order only. Send this to Ruth Zsuzsanna, care of Mary Kay Cosmetics, PO BOX 666, Lenox, Massachusetts 01421. Allow 14 to 21 business days for shipping. And get yourself some Chicken or Matzoh Ball soup.