Baseball is Back, Baby….With a Few New Rules

The 2023 Baseball season is here, and those of us that are just baseball junkies could not be more thrilled.

There are some rule changes that we must become familiar with quickly, however:

1. There is a 15-second time clock between pitches (20-seconds if there are runners on base). The pitcher must deliver his pitch before the clock expires or it is an automatic ball. If the batter steps out of the box with 8-seconds left on the time clock it is an automatic strike.
2. There are no longer any full infield shifts. There must be 2-players on each side of second base… no exceptions.
3. Bigger bases. Instead of 15-inches, the new bases are 18-inches.

These are the three major changes for the 2023 season. However, there are some other lesser-known rules that will apply as well:

1. If at any time an infielder adjusts his crotch with a runner on base, the first base or third base umpire will have the option of kicking the infielder in the balls. If an outfielder adjusts his crotch with runners on base, the second base umpire will get the same option.
2. If a player spits with runners on base, said runner will have the option to slap the infielder with his batting glove. If any player spits from the dugout, the batboy has the same option.
3. All team mascots will be forced to pinch hit in the leadoff spot if a game goes further than 12-innings. If the team has no mascot, the opposing team has the option of finding the drunkest fan between the first and third base dugouts to hit in the leadoff position.
4. If a game goes further than 13-innings all relief pitchers will have to pitch with their opposite hands (left-handed pitchers must pitch with their right, right handers with their left).
5. Games going further than 15-innings will require all teams to wear their jockstraps on the outside of their pants.
6. All Sunday night games played on the 17^th of any month will be played without stadium lights. It will be the responsibility of the home team fans to use cell phones, lighters, flashlights, candles, etc. to light the stadium.
7. Both the National League and the American League will use the Designated Hitter. THIS IS BY FAR THE SHITTIEST RULE IN BASEBALL!!!