Best Advice Ever

Co-Authored by Tate McPhilipsman

What’s up guys? It’s Tate. No, not “taint”. TATE. Real funny. Very mature. Whatever.

Ok, here’s the deal: I have very possibly the best advice you will ever get. EVER. This one’s just for the guys, ladies. Dudes, when you take a piss, sit down. YES! SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Why should we sit? I’m glad you asked. Here are all the reasons that it’s waaaay better to sit when you drain the snake than to stand like a douche:

1. More comfortable. Unless you’re weird and only wear, like, overalls with a union suit underneath (go back to the forest Captain “off the grid”), then pull those pants down and have a nice sit. CAVEAT: if you’re at a rest stop or in some off-the-beaten-path gas station restroom, or really ANY gas station restroom, then you’re not going to want to sit. Just use the damn urinal and get the heck outta there quick before you catch something unforgiveable. But, if you’re at home or work or in a nice restaurant or a library, enjoy yourself. You’ve earned it. Probably.
2. No more arguments with the lady of the house about who left the toilet seat up. You’ll never lift another toilet seat again.
3. It’s called a throne and you’re a KING. ‘nuf said.
4. No more awkward interactions with strangers peeing in the urinal next to you. You know? Like when you “accidentally” bump into them? Because…beer…or whatever. Look, it doesn’t make you gay. And if it does? Well, that’s cool too because we’re all out here just trying to live our best life.
5. Lastly, but most importantly, NO SPLASHBACK. That’s right. No more tiny droplets of piss messing up your brand new linen pants that you bought specifically for that one job interview that was a huge waste of time because, frankly, those people just don’t get you, and your amazing fashion sense. No more pee on your toilet seat because you’re too frickin lazy to lift the damn thing, and no more standing in puddles of someone else’s pee because they mostly missed the urinal, because….beer…or whatever.

That’s it. You’re welcome.