Big Decision for the New Year
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It’s that time of the year when you hear the phrase, “new year, new me!” With that comes one of the biggest purchases you will make in your life. You will have to carefully choose which exercise machine you decide to purchase.
Treadmill? Exercise bike? Elliptical machine? Which will be the best choice for you?
Don’t worry about the calories per hour, or which will tone you up and burn calories at the same time. Real folks don’t have to worry about that stuff. Studies show that people stop using any of these damn things after 30-60 days. And then what? Well, this is why you are here, for our professional opinion on which equipment is best.
It’s a given that these things will become a waste of space. The key question you should ask is, “after I stop using it in a month, which machine will hold the most laundry?”
Scientifically measured, the treadmill has what NASA calls, the highest LCSI (Laundry Capacity per Square Inch), depending on the length of the arm rest part. It will give you the best LCSI, although that’s about it. This is the best equipment if you have a big family.
The bike has less LCSI than the treadmill, but it has a seat that comes in handy to keep your hats/caps on, and pedals that are ideal for your gloves. So, on style points the bike appears to be more functionally diverse, and the best choice if you live in a colder area, like Chicago.
Elliptical has the least LCSI, but it’s got an advantage of drying faster if you swing one of the arms, to create what scientists call dynamic FUBAR (Functional User Based Air Recirculation). With dynamic FUBAR, you can create drying motion on the other arm and the two pedals. This is best if you live alone with cats who enjoy getting rides on the pedals after being given baths. And you can operate this with one hand, while still drinking wine with the other.
That’s our analysis, but here’s what some experts had to say!
Iron Tike Byson (former boxer), “All I gotta say is that you can’t say elliptical without tickle. TeeHee! So I’d go with the elliptical! TeeHee!! Damn it that cracked me up again!!!”
Dim Doordashian (famous for no reason) “If you have a big butt like me, it could get stuck on the treadmill or the elliptical, and then you have to call the paramedics to show up with lard to free you. Always go with the bike.”
Garry Rainercheck (marketing and self-help guru), “I can’t recommend any of these. You are just not getting anywhere and wasting your motions. Just go outside and then be somewhere else. Anywhere is better than nowhere. In fact, go somewhere that will be good for your inner child, like McDonald’s or a strip club.”
Hal Gore, (Uncle of the Internet), “Did you know? Before I created the internet, the elliptical was only known as the lliptical. Because of the ‘e’ thing we added on stuff related to internet and stuff, as you know.”
Richard Semenz, (Health Nut), “Always go with the treadmill, because you can fit 2, 3, grown men on it at the same time and you can burn, burn, burn those calories together. OMG! It’s so fun that it took us 6 months to figure out that we never plugged it in! But it was a blast baby!”
