BizSlang
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BizSlang, a Dallas-based business consulting firm, has decided to move forward on an initial public offering (IPO) after posting record-profits in 2022. BizSlang’s business model consists of the creation of high quality business jargon for it clients in order to create a sense of mystique, competence, and superiority. Derek Stone, BizSlang’s CEO said, “At BS, we bring the future to the present. We’re data-driven, but we think outside the box while coloring inside the lines and squaring the circle. And as agents of change, we believe in value-added synergy while running with the ball, going viral, and taking a 30,000 foot view in order to move that needle.”
BizSlang hopes to solve the dilemma that has vexed business people for ages – how to communicate with one another without the use of complete sentences or thoughts. Stone hopes that one day, business people will have a language all their own consisting of nouns turned into verbs, half-baked sports metaphors, and confusing acronyms. BizSlang’s Chief Acronym Officer (CAO), JB Jones added: “As CAO, our YTD B2B KPI’s are the use of TLA’s (Three Letter Acronyms), TOATSSAS (Types of Acronyms That Spell Something Amazing Sounding), and ATNOWEBATR’s (Acronyms That No One Will Ever Be Able To Remember).” He continued, “IMO and FWIW, our FTE’s like to KISS. OT, our P&L and our P/E is only as good as our UX. TTYL!”
Stone helpfully added, “We’re not here to reinvent the wheel. Our BS is not a silver bullet, nor is it mission critical. Instead, our robust offerings of premium BS help our clients to gain traction and bandwith, so it’s a win-win zero sum game. We make hay by bringing to the table game-changing, blue-sky thinking that can move the goalposts and thread the needle. The key takeaway from our core values, is that although there are a lot of moving parts and our core competencies are bleeding edge, we will never punt the ball in order to gain leverage and get it over the wall–”
Tragically, as he was finishing his “thought,” Mr. Stone collapsed before being taken to the local hospital where he was admitted into the ER by an RN and the attending MD. The MD told MPL, “Upon preliminary examination, we determined that the patient presented with an acute Cardio-Pulmonary Thrombotic Embolism. After ordering up a STAT tox screen, labs work, and c-section, it became clear that Mr. Stone was DOA.”
