BREAKING: Nick Cannon Solves 160 Years of American History, Skips the Last 100

LOS ANGELES – Cultural thinker, podcast philosopher, and legend in his own mind, Nick Cannon has boldly entered the political arena this week. Cannon announced that he has solved American history using what experts are calling “selective Googling and aggressive skimming.”

While driving a convertible through California, the traditional setting for deep political analysis, Cannon declared that Democrats are the party of the Ku Klux Klan. A statement technically rooted in the mid 1800’s and last updated before the invention of electricity.

“I agree 100 percent,” Cannon said, confirming that nothing strengthens an argument quite like confidence, a big smile, full commitment, and zero follow-up.

Joining him was Amber Rose, who explained that Republicans “don’t care if you’re black, white, gay or straight,” which will come as exciting news to several groups that have spent years being told otherwise by hooded people currently holding tiki torches.

Cannon, who clarified he doesn’t “subscribe” to either party, then immediately endorsed one of them.

Historians gently pointed out that political parties have, in fact, evolved over the past century. Cannon appears to have skipped directly from Reconstruction to “I saw a clip on YouTube.”

Meanwhile, Cannon made no mention of the modern coalition surrounding Trump, which includes a rotating cast of extremist groups who have been remarkably consistent in their branding, messaging, and enthusiasm for lynching. Surprisingly, Cannon prefers not to address those groups.

Cannon skipped over the part of modern politics where some of Trump’s loudest supporters show up waving flags, flashing guns, and wearing matching outfits (mostly hats and hoods). That part, apparently, did not make it into the version of history he reviewed.

Cannon has been reportedly doubling down on his research; confident that if you ignore enough facts, eventually your argument becomes “your truth”. And as told to him by his friend, Donald Trump, “If you say it loud enough, someone will mistake it for intelligence.”

~ Jel Michaels, Los Angeles, California