Britney Spears Is Normal
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It’s been well-documented by now that on Friday, January 13th, Princess Chucklehead, Britney Spears, had a major meltdown at a Los Angeles restaurant.
Reports say that she was yelling, speaking in tongues, swearing, and showing increasing signs of paranoia throughout her visit to this establishment.
Luckily, the restaurant seats patrons ONLY by reservation and takes phone numbers, so this reporter was able to reach out to a few of the diners that experienced the incident. But the responses I received were very different from what I expected.
Jeff W. from Santa Monica told me, “It wasn’t too much. I mean compared to what everyone has seen before regarding Britney Spears, this was pretty tame. No big whoop. I don’t think anyone noticed anything really. Who hasn’t seen her cover her head with a tablecloth before? This was very normal.”
Leslie H. from Redondo Beach said, “She was shouting some kind of gibberish and flailing her arms in the air. But everyone was pretty much, ‘Oh, looks like Britney Spears is here.’ Nothing really special. If she wasn’t trying to eat a saltshaker, it wouldn’t be Britney. Just a normal dinner, really”
Lisa C. from Long Beach expressed, “I think that, like, considering that the pictures of the food on the menu are very appealing, the way she went from table to table pointing them out and licking the menus was perfectly fine. That’s just who she is. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before. It was quite normal.”
The Maître D of the restaurant told me, “Ms. Spears gets her regular table so we all have the opportunity to see how normal she is. It is very important to her, and her publicist, to make sure everyone knows that she is very normal.”
Her waiter told us, “She left me a very generous tip. A few strands of her hair. A fake eyelash. A cough drop. And the fat she chewed off of the leftover steak from the table behind hers. This was a very normal tip.”
When asked for comment, Britney refused to talk to us. But her publicist did. She told us, “I don’t see why to insist on printing such boring, normal events. This was a very normal dinner. If you have never tried to snort your wine through a straw, I just feel sorry for you. This is very normal. The reason chocolate mousse is so soft is so you CAN soak your feet in it. This is very normal. Now if you’ll excuse me, Britney needs to have her 7-hour orange juice bath. Goodbye. No further questions.”
In closing, I… I… I don’t even know what the fuck to say. Guess I’m just not normal.
She is very normal. This is great!
The new normal
Leave Britney alone!