Camp Chestnuts Opens!

Life can be hard as a kid, but life as an overweight kid can be even harder. Well, that may no longer be the case for kids attending Camp Chestnuts (Joey Chestnut if you haven’t guessed it). Camp Chestnuts markets their camp to overweight kids who are looking to be winners.

Camp director Uncle Chubb’s, who happens to be a former world record holder for eating 12 pies in under 10 minutes, says this camp gives kids a sense of pride and accomplishment. “We are developing future eating contest champions while giving the kids a healthy diet of love and support!” Uncle Chubb’s pointed out that last year’s camper Amy Eator, won the national Mayonnaise eating contest in the United States and will be competing for the Hellman’s International next summer. “People think its just eating, no no no …….there is so much more to it, in fact we have a mastication expert, who we call Uncle Chewy come teach the kids the mastery of how to chew.”

Suzy Bigesoph really developed the best technique for swallowing east of the Mississippi, and it is duly noted. Camp Chestnuts does not discriminate and does take kids who are not overweight but willing to expand their stomach for success. This camp is not without it’s detractors, Dr. Paul Feldprik, famed child endocrinologist says “Camp Chestnuts might as well change their name to Camp Diabetes (we looked into it and that name has already been taken) ….I treat enough kids who are ready dealing with Type 2 diabetes due to diet and lack of exercise.” Uncle Chubbs takes exception to Dr. Feldprik and makes sure to tell every parent that prior to competitions and practice every child receives a dose of insulin given by our expert trained staff. There are currently talks with Pharma companies about future sponsorships, but for now the kids will have to pay a heavy price and pay for the insulin on their own, as insurance companies are yet to cover the costs. “Once they see the benefit of self esteem and the champions we produce, I guarantee insurance and pharma companies will be hitting me up” says Uncle Chubbs. Currently Camp Chestnuts has 7 campers competing for the nation’s best eaters. In fact, their best chance may be with the Cosby Kid as he likes to be called in the pudding pops competition. He has also is the raining champion of taking and giving sleeping pills to random people at Nowake Elites Showcase held every year in Fargo.

The kids have also been encouraged to embrace anorexia and bulimia down the road. There is a camp for that starting in the fall of 2025. For the moment, they are focused on getting barf bag lined toilets.