Cut the Mustard

The NFL is working hard to reduce the length of their games. They have hired the research firm of Stern, Gonzalez and Quick to give them suggestions on how to cut the length of the non action down to a minimum.  The newest proposal has players and teams questioning this firm’s legitimacy. We asked firm representative Saul Gonzalez to explain their recommendations, “We did all the calculations and did the research and found that the most time wasting event during the game was waiting for a player with cramps. Grabbing their toes writhing in pain, asking for help from another player to massage it out, then having to be helped off the field, these players were wasting the most time. The worst part is, if it happens once there is a 82.6% chance of it happening again in the same game and most likely in the same quarter, wasting even more time. Our team concluded that lack of sodium pre game was the problem and that is why we offered the solution we did. Each player, one hour prior to the game must drink a 12oz bottle of stadium mustard. The sodium content alone will help them stay fully hydrated and therefore eliminate cramping from the game and save valuable time. The biggest pushback from the players association, is that it has to be stadium mustard as yellow mustard is now on the PEC list or Performance Enhancing Condiment list. We thought of other products like Tabasco sauce, but those lineman are in vulnerable positions throughout the game should the sauce kick in their colons a little too much, plus add in bathroom breaks. Our first idea of having the national anthem sung during kickoff while the singer was on the field, actually tested well until one of our test singers got a block in the back and broke her leg. The good news is, Stephanie is doing okay and should be able to return to her middle school next month. We did propose playing on when a player is hurt on the field, just put tape up around him while he is being worked on. I guarantee with that idea they could have saved that Bills player’s life while still finishing their game. That plan would have also saved some fantasy football player’s season. Despite all of our great suggestions, we are going to have to stay with the mustard one for now and see how it goes.”