DC TO FINALLY REVEAL FATE OF BRUCE WAYNE’S PARENTS

By Rob Kutner

After over eight decades of Batman comics, radio plays, TV shows, movies, and more, DC is planning to finally let the world know what happened to the parents of millionaire Bruce Wayne.

In a press conference, new DC studio co-head James Gunn dropped a bombshell, saying, “No more will we be left to wonder, ‘Why do we never hear how The Batman gets along with his folks? Are they getting on in years? How often does he call, or sky-signal them?’” 

Gunn has recently made headlines for his and co-chief Peter Safran’s audacious slate for the DCEU (DC Expository Universe). This now includes an equally bold plan to reveal that something happened to Wayne early in life that turned him into an insomniac grownup who wears pointy ears on his head.

Psychologists have long debated whether such a “triggering event” (most likely occurring in rainy, black-and-white slo-mo) could have been responsible for transforming a perfectly typical 8-year-old well-loved rich boy living in a mansion atop a cave, into a dark vigilante with a fetish for breaking bones, also living on top of a cave.  So far, their professional consensus is “video games, or rock and roll.”

They also agree that it definitely has no connection to Wayne’s parents. They cite the completely normal habit of this handsome, highly marriageable millionaire to take in, mold, and disguise multiple young teen orphans. Others point to his healthy and necessary retention of a paternalistic octogenarian older male butler for a house he never spends time in.

Furthermore, almost nothing is known about Thomas and Martha Wayne, besides a tendency to take the lad to movie theaters night after rainy night, without incident, through alleys without any particular negative appellation.

In fact, this burning lack of information on the Waynes has led to a vigorous debate in the fan community. Some opine that they still live at Wayne Manor and even co-sleep, occasionally bang on the floor, yelling, “Keep that bat-racket down!” Others say the pair are actually Jewish, retired, and living in Boca Baton, while a third faction insists that they are estranged from their son, disapproving of “that crazy cat-lady he’s dating/fighting.”

The one thing uniting all three camps is insufferability.

But if the hints coming out of DC central are any indication, Batman fans may be in for a slew of new 15-minute montages added onto to already 4-hour running times, that finally answer this question, over and over again.