Doctors Believe They Have New Miracle Cure for PTSD and Depression in Males

A team of Doctors from the New Utica Technical School believe they have uncovered a miracle cure for Male PTSD and Depression, based on studies that originated in the 1800s. They have reported a 95% effectiveness in small case studies of 45 participants, and plan to expand the study nationwide. The solution for depression, PTSD, and most trauma’s for Men ages 18-80 also happens to be a naturopathic method and something that has been a part of human culture for centuries; blowjobs. In some cases a single blowjob was enough to do the trick, but the doctors have found that men who received blowjobs three times a day, seven days a week, were completely cured of a variety of symptoms and maladies. The New Utica study was inspired by the work of doctors treating women’s hysteria at the turn of the century. The most common and effective method for treating hysteria in adult women in 1888 was to stimulate the clitoris with some of the most technologically advanced electric vibrators available to the scientific community at that time. Doctors found that repeated stimulation of the clitoris cured hysteria, and practically all other maladies affecting women. It also increased cigarette smoking by 85%. However, the practice was discontinued during the prohibition era, as the women’s suffrage movement fought to create more suffering for women. The N.U.T.S. study has shown blowjobs to be 1000% more effective than prescription medications, and 50% more effective than Psilocybin in treating all mental conditions. With the incredible results of their research, the Doctors hope to inspire renewed analysis of Clitoral stimulation for the treatment of hysteria and depression in adult women. As always, the success of one old-fashioned technique inspires copycat research, and Private Incubated Licensed Laboratory Services has begun manufacturing and testing heroin for the treatment of minor headaches and colds as was common in the 1900s. The results have been so encouraging that they’re projecting massive profits in the third quarter of the year with a full rollout. New Utica Technical School will be looking for volunteer participants in the study, qualifications include being an adult male with functioning male genitalia, and being okay with getting a term we just learned about called a “BJ”, we are still trying to learn what that means.