Donald Trump Probing for Criminal Opportunities to Pad Arrest Record Statistics

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Former President, current presidential candidate, billionaire, and four-time indictee Donald Trump has been probing for potential new criminal opportunities in an effort to pad the stats of his arrest record.  It’s a curious move for the candidate, especially given the current open-ended nature of his most recent indictment on ironic charges of election interference for publicly declaring that the election had been interfered with. However, it appears he’s looking to diversify his criminal portfolio by adding other non-violent, white-collar offenses to his repertoire. Our own Gayle Sayers was on hand to find out why the Don would make such a bold move in the early stages of the campaign trail and he had this to say, “First off Gayle, let me say that you’re a lovely woman. Lovely woman. Just the best. And I’m so happy to speak with you and not the Fake News phonies. So happy. This is huge. And let me tell you, my poll numbers have been off the charts since they came after me in Georgia. Have you seen the numbers? Have you seen them? Joe Biden is trembling right now. Well someone is trembling for him. Have you seen him lately? Terrible. Just sad. Sad for America. He’s not good. Bad man. But my numbers are off the charts and they’re terrified. That’s got them scared. I’m doing so great. America loves me. So I’m going to get arrested again. Why not? The numbers look so good. Huge. Huge numbers. So we’ll do it again. And then maybe another time before the election. Because we’re going to take back the White House. Have you been to the White House, Gayle? Beautiful house. So sad what they’ve done to the place. Drugs everywhere. Sad stuff. But we’ll take it back. We’ll make it great again. America wants to be great again, Gayle.” It’s clear that the indictments and arrest have stoked the flames of the public’s interest in Trump’s presidency, and have reinvigorated the candidate himself. When asked how he felt about his mugshot making waves on the internet, Trump grinned, “Did you see that? You saw that? Just incredible. Incredible. I mean, the lighting. So good. So so good. Best lighting you’ve ever seen. I looked so good. Presidential. Very presidential. That mugshot, best lighting, best face. I mean, Ukraine and Russia are scared now. They’re scared of what I’ll do when I’m back in the White House. That mugshot was beautiful. I put it on my X account. Elon Musk, great guy. Smart guy. Bought Twitter. Now it’s X. I put my mugshot up there. People loved it. They went crazy. We put it on t-shirts and coffee mugs. Best selling shirt ever. All time. Look it up. Highest sales ever for a shirt. People love it. The campaign is fully funded. We’re going to take back the White House. I’ll get arrested again. Another mugshot. The poll numbers will be through the roof. Just astronomical. Then we’ll make America great again.” The Trump train is showing no signs of slowing down although Gayle did note after the interview that Mr. Trump was unsure of what new crime he would commit, and that they were still gathering information on what would be the “best” one. All told, it looks like we’re in for a wild ride during the coming campaign season.