Federal Government Makes Abstinence Mandatory

After further discussion, congress is pushing in a new law that will make everyone in the US refrain from having sex or shaking hands. This includes animals as well. Congressman Bill Shwancy has this to say, “I am happy with my pillow”. We asked him further questions, however he stormed off with pillow in hand into a private room.

It was later determined the pillow was from JD Vance’s couch.