Federal Reserve Promises They’ve Really Got it This Time

Jerome Powell went on record today at a televised congressional hearing to promise that the US Federal Reserve has, “really, truly, definitely, probably got it figured out this time. At least we’re pretty sure,” he added, noting that the last 110 years were only a probation period. “Woodrow Wilson, in 1913, knew that were going to need at least a couple hundred years to figure out the economics thing, so you could really say that we’re way ahead of schedule,” Powell concluded. The Fed continues to raise interest rates in hopes of bleeding the American people dry to kick-start the economy, which has inexplicably eroded public faith in the Reserve bank. Moreover, foreign powers have begun moving away from using the American dollar for trading, as they look to establish an asset backed currency. Powell has asked the American people to hold-on to their butts, and if necessary, just die already so we can get this ball moving again. Statistics show inflation is at an all time high, exemplified by the cost of a loaf of bread, which has increased from 7c when the Federal Reserve was constructed to a minimum of $1.50 now and an average cost of $2. You can do the math, but that’s a pretty big increase. The Federal Reserve was quick to point out that over the last 110 years there have only been 12-14 recessions or depressions of various impact, which really isn’t that bad, and they insist that it has helped build up America’s collective character. When asked if there was a new strategy to fix the current economic conditions, Powell said, “No. We’re going with what we know, and we’re just going to keep doing it, because we’re sure that our persistence will pay off regardless of the results we’ve seen.” We at MPL wanted to take a poll of American confidence in the Federal Reserve, but it was simply too expensive.