“Film Buzzed!” by Gildrift Keets. Every week, Gildrift takes a case of Lone Star to the discount drive-in and watches everything he can until he blacks out………
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OSCAR ROUNDUP WEEK.
I am a humble man of the people. I know this town like the back of my aged, melanoma-ridden hands. I am here to filter out all the Hollywood hoopla so you know what’s worth your time. That way, you don’t have to waste time being disappointed in movies, and can stay home being disappointed with other stuff instead.
So here are my true and honest reviews, a la Robert Ebert. If a dead man can keep reviewing movies from the afterlife, then certainly myself, an alive man, can review just as good.
EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE
Mostly too over-emotional for my liking, but these guys who made this movie know humor. It was really smart of them to cast Asians in it too because it sounds very funny. There’s a part where an object got shoved up a man’s ass, and that’s when I knew I was watching something funny and down-to-earth. Just like Chaplin and Jack Tripper from “Three’s Company” did it.
For a second, I thought the hardened masculine shell I’ve painfully constructed for myself over the years was going to crack from the heaviness of the film’s recurring musings on existentialism and generational trauma, but lucky for me, NOPE! Whenever it would delve into “being gay” or “doing laundry” or whatever, I chuckled to myself remembering the face of the man getting a trophy up his behind hole. Makes me smile even now. Asians are great comedy actors.
VERDICT: Two thumbs up
TAR
Horrible movie. I thought I was finally going to see some representation for the roadworks and paving industry based on that shamefully misleading title. Turns out, it’s just the last name of this angry lesbian. Hey lady, Tar can’t be someone’s last name, otherwise I’d legally be named “Concrete Keetz.” But that’s not the way the world works. So stop making stuff up. Plus, the actress Katie Blanchett is very attractive, so I’m unclear why she is even a lesbian. But after hearing her yap about music notes, it made sense. If I wanted to listen to some ball buster in a pant suit give speeches why she’s better than everyone else, I’d have voted for Hilary Clinton. Anyways, I feel asleep after 20 minutes and peed my pants. What am I, Bucky Jensen?!
VERDICT: Get out of town.
TOP GUN: MAVERICK
Now this is cinema! This is what American people dream of. Cruise reminds us what it means to be to be a biological man in these fragile times, where most of the country is suffering from Toxic Shock Syndrome. Flying in jets all crazy. Damn, I’m pretty drunk at this point. There’s a lot of good moments in between the flying scenes when characters are talking. There’s even a woman who is hot for 50’s. Just know that when Tom Cruise is wearing jeans and a tee shirt, he won’t be flying anytime soon, so you can use the bathroom or buy some more snacks.
VERDICT: Masterpiece.
