GOOGLE LAYOFFS
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Google’s Parent Alphabet to cut 12,000 jobs. That is roughly about 6% of the total company headcount.
“Working remotely? Or remotely working? Amiright?? Hello, is this thing on??” joked Sundar Pichai, the chief executive. “Google’s parent company is Alphabet, not Alphafat! Bam! So, we had to cut the fat. I mean we went on a hiring spree during the pandemic, but now we are faced with a broad economic slowdown. We are not a charity. We ONLY had a profit of $76 billion dollars in 2021 and it fell a bit in 2022. So, we had to let the expendables go. Believe me, it was the hardest, most difficult mass text I’ve ever had to send. I mean, I didn’t send it, but I waved the ‘yeah yeah’ hand motion while I was doing my morning yoga and eating grapefruit, and I’m sure one of my assistants sent something. ”
The HR robot, which represents the HR team, which represents the HR software modules said, “The layoffs will be handled professionally, but very abruptly. And each employee will get a parting gift which will be exactly what they wanted, since we’ve been listening to them through their phones 24/7 since they became employees. As much as we can, we will give them insurance, gold watch, Disneyland pass, wife’s hot sister, etc. We will try our best on all the parting gifts.”
Even Google Cloud wasn’t safe from the massive layoffs. Its chief Thomas K. said, “Man, when it rains it pours, even in the cloud… Wait what?”
X, which is Alphabet’s brainstorming and incubating unit, had an undisclosed, x number of employees cut suddenly and abruptly. One of the brave ones who spoke out said, “It’s like we had a target on our backs,” while ironically wearing the company polo shirt with a X on the front and back.
Alphabet’s Workers Union criticized the cuts and said Mr. Sundar Pichai will be hearing from the people who lost their jobs. One employee was fired while waiting for surgery after a horrible seat belt incident. The union said, “Alphabet will buy this man a bowel. It only makes sense.”
The employees said they will file a class action lawsuit and fight this! And they have the full support of AC/DC to use this fight chant: “Dirty Deeds! Sundar Cheap!”
