Groundbreaking New Study Confirms Climate Change is to Blame for Everything

Scientists at the New Utica Technical School continue to study the important issues, and their most recent study co-sponsored by the White House has illuminated some groundbreaking revelations. While working to prove that climate change was responsible for a particular case of infidelity by one of the school’s scientists- it was- the group realized that climate change was also to blame for all of the problems currently plaguing the United States. The downturn in the economy? Climate change. The growing social divide? Climate change. Covid? Created by climate change. Ukraine? Climate change. Crime? You guessed right, climate change. When the scientists went down the line, they realized that climate change was the single most deadly plague that mankind has ever encountered. Moreover, based on their models and projections, the world should have imploded multiple times over the last 70 years. “We’re literally living on borrowed time right now. Climate change stops for no man. It’s coming. And there’s not a damn thing we can do about it” said the lead scientist, “that’s why I slept with Angela. I love my wife, I love my family, but climate change drove me to act irrationally. That’s what it does.” As soon as the White House caught wind of the results, they jumped on board to help fund the rest of the study and to confirm the findings. The spokesperson for the White House had this to say, “We have been saying it for years. Climate change is real. Climate change is coming. And there’s the proof that this administration is actually amazing, the best ever even, but we’ve been battling the worst foe ever seen, ever. That’s the hard truth right there. Now that you know, it’s time to start doing what we say. Fall in line, or we’ll let climate change loose on your ass.” While the White House says it does plan to combat climate change, and will absolutely substantially increase taxes to do so, the prospects look bleak for any real chance to stop the coming storm, which threatens to tear apart the very fabric of the universe.