Haugen Dazz wins first Nnnual Vegan Horse Riding Championship

Finland – In the first ever Vegan Horse Riding Championship, an equestrian event that features a total of zero real horses and an untold number of vegans and virgins, Haugen Dazz a 14 year old wunderkind from Sweden took home the grand prize. Miss Dazz completed a series of jumps and traversed a number of obstacles in a course record time of 2 minutes and 47 seconds. Reports are circulating that this may even be a world record, especially since the event is in its infancy. The VHRC touts itself as the most humane equestrian experience in the world, and the fact that no real horses have ever been used, harmed, or euthanized in the sport lends credence to the title. Can the Kentucky Derby say the same, “No” says Ima Stallion the events organizer and mane sponsor.  When asked if she wanted to elaborate, Mrs. Stallion simply said, “Nay”. The first runner up was a young Finnish sensation named Anna Aino Eino, 25, who won multiple local competitions leading up to the VHRC. She finished the course in 2 minutes and 59 seconds, the only other contestant to break the three minute barrier. Second runner up was an American fellow named Phil Collins- no relation to the singer- a 45 year old clerk at Gamestop who has practiced “hobby horse riding” as the Yanks call it, all of his life. Collins finished the course in 3 min and 23 seconds, but was give a 10 second penalty for knocking over one hurdle. The grand prize for the event, besides a lifetime of ridicule, was a coupon for a Free McFlurry with the purchase of any value meal. First runner up received a used band-aide. Collins was interviewed after the event, and asked whether it was worth the cost of airfare and hotels since he’s going home empty handed, to which he replied, “Yes. A hundred times over yes. I used my mom’s credit card anyway. But I’ll go home, rest up, get the stick back in my hands and get back to work for next years Championship.”