In Effort to curb Fentanyl crisis, Big Pharma introduces New Super Drug Oxycotton

With Fentanyl use and overdoses on the rise in the US, the DEA has been working with big pharma in a  quiet battle to curb the addictions. Today, they introduced a new drug called Oxycotton, to help ween people off of Fentanyl, Heroin, and other opioids. Oxycotton is almost identical to a previous opioid called Oxycontin, except that it has a cotton coating around the outside to help soak up other drugs and fluids inside the stomach of the person who ingests it. Doctors have been told they can safely administer it to patients of all ages if they believe it can help. When asked how the drug would make a positive impact, a spokesperson for Big Pharma had this to say, “the drug is powerful, addictive- I mean effective, and going to really help us turn the tide in the fight against Fentanyl addiction here in the US.” When asked if Big Pharma was partially responsible for the drug crisis in America, the rep had this to say, “You know, it’s so sad when I hear those kinds of things. We’re out here pushing the boundaries for our shareholders- I mean for the people, so that we can make people rich- I mean healthy, and it’s just such a shame to hear us slandered like that. No one knows how this drug crisis came about. Ask around and you’ll get a million different answers. It’s one of those great mysteries of life. But we’re doing our part in the fight to bring an end to it, believe you me.” We reached out to the DEA to comment on the new Oxycotton development, but the agency was not willing to respond, calling it an open investigation. They did however mention that they had just received a large shipment of cluster bombs, which they were preparing to distribute across the US to help curb drug addictions and related crime, “We have received a massive shipment of cluster bombs, courtesy of the US military, which we are going to utilize to show criminals that there are consequences to their actions.” When asked about the human rights issues with cluster bombs, the DEA spokesperson retorted, “The Geneva Convention called it a war crime to use these against other people, I don’t remember seeing anything about using them on your own people. Plus, these are criminals. Bad guys. Do you want the bad guys to win? Fuck you, pal.”  It’s unclear where and when the cluster bombs will be rolled out in the US, but addicts and criminals are certainly in for an explosive surprise.