Incredible Losing Streak Continues, Now at 40 Years of Futility for Local Plumber

Another year, another big L in the loss column for local Plumber and father, Benjamin Dover, in People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive Competition. The losses keep piling up for Mr. Dover, as he has now reached forty consecutive years without taking home the title. Since the day he was born, Ben’s mother Ann Dover has told him that he was the most handsome man in the world, something that instilled an unshakable self-belief in young Benjamin. Over time, that self-belief has only gotten more out of control thanks to the internet, which has propelled him to keep campaigning for himself around the house, year after year. Moreover, his kids have thrice bought him coffee mugs for Father’s Day with ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ inscribed on them, pouring gasoline on his fire and providing a gesture that he interprets as a sign of future success. However, Benjamin’s wife of 14 years Eileen Dover, does not share the same enthusiasm, “That fat shit losa is neva gonna win the Sexiest Man Alive competition, eva. He can’t even lift his ass off the couch, let alone lift a weight. But I love him anyway. He’s my fat shit losa. So keep your hands off. And his motha is dumb as a rock. That’s right, I hope you hear me Ann. Dumb. As. A. Rock.” We spoke to Benjamin about how he was going to prep for next years competition, and if he was going to change anything up in hopes of a better result, “You know, they say persistence is the key. So, I’m not changing nothing. Go to work. Feed my kids. And I crush a 30 rack every night; lift, drink, repeat. That’s why I look and feel this good. Next year is my year, I can feel it.” With stiff competition from the likes of Chris Evans, Ryan Reynolds, and Jason Momoa, it’s clear that Ben Dover has an uphill battle ahead of him, but one that he’s ready to face head-on.