Irish Man Killed by Chicken

The Irish Examiner investigated the mysterious 2022 death of a 67-year-old Irish man named Jasper Kraus.  He had been found semi-conscious and lying in a pool of blood on his kitchen floor by his tenant.  It was determined that it was an “aggressive” Brahma rooster named Brad, who was responsible for killing the man.

Tenant Connor O’Queef called emergency services immediately after finding Mr. Kraus, and they talked him through treating the wounds and performing CPR during the wait for paramedics to arrive at the rural home, during which Mr. Kraus sadly expired.

The Inspector said, “I always tell people, your odds of getting killed by a chicken are low but never zero.  And this one wasn’t clucking around.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?  Well, this one did it to cap a farmer who did him dirty.

The chicken was represented in court by Carl Cheffers, NFL referee/lawyer/animal rights activist.  During the trial, Cheffers argued, “it clearly wasn’t murder, but more like a ‘personal fowl,’ and they should just replay the down, I mean, what went down.”  The judge didn’t buy it and ruled that the case should go to court.

The jury of 6 men, and 6 chickens, was deadlocked and couldn’t reach a verdict.  They acknowledged that the chicken was clucked and loaded, but that it could’ve been self-defense.

Officer O’Leary was flabbergasted, saying, “This Brahma chicken is a threat to our communities, both humans and chickens alike.  He once ate 4 other chickens a few years ago during the blizzard.  We call it the McDonner Party incident.”

The coroner wasn’t too much help and would just say, “This suspect named Brad, has to be half Rooster and half ninja!  Off the record, what he did to Kraus was poultry in motion!”

The jury is still out on Brad the Brahma rooster, while the police wait for any new nuggets of information.