LinkedIn “Job Lotteries”

As more and more people apply for online positions, LinkedIn has fallen in love with the idea of lotteries when it comes time for hiring.  With the average online position garnering 500-750+ applicants PER JOB, many applicants, including Joanne Smaterski, believes “I don’t have a cold chance in hell in getting a job at this rate.”  I have two Master’s Degrees, have been published in the New England Journal of Medicine, and I’m also on the local PTA at my child’s school in  suburban Pittsburgh.’  Joanne continues, ‘I have applied to 85 jobs in August alone, all across the country, and I’ve gotten one Zoom interview, and a call back from a man whose voice just creeped me the fuck out, so there was no way I was returning that call.’

Another applicant, Robert Namore, who has been looking for a job as a traveling nurse, is shocked he can’t find a job and believes that LinkedIn has become a “Thumbs Up/Look at Me Hell Hole of Nothingness.” I have nicknamed it ‘Outdated Facebook of Professionals,” says Robert.  “What the hell? I’ve heard the world needs traveling nurses, and I can’t get anyone to even read my resume.  I swear to God, I’m gonna start selling feet pics on OnlyFans.”

The only solution at this time is, for a small additional fee, is to give every job applicant an opportunity to join a newly incorporated LINKED IN LOTTERY.  Now, every applicant, for every job in which he or she applies, is automatically entered into a LINKED IN LOTTERY.

Linked In’s non-original idea was spawned by the insanity for Taylor Swift and Beyonce tickets during their recent world tours.  Linked In’s CEO Ryan Rolansky took notice of the popularity of the lottery and the money-making machine those lotteries became.

In a statement from behind closed doors, Rolansky stated, “Well shit, we’re no Swift or Beyonce, but we like money as much as the next person, so for a small fee, in addition to their monthly subscription to LinkedIn, they have as good of a chance as anyone.”

Job seekers are unimpressed.  Linked In—get your shit together.