Man Who Identifies as Apache Helicopter Has Tragic Maiden Voyage

The city of Lancaster is in mourning today, after the passing of local resident and minor media sensation, Huey Burd. Burd was best known for his immense bravery in coming out as identifying as an Apache Helicopter. His heroic public declaration landed him on the news, but it was also followed by a world of online ridicule, which deeply affected the man-chine (a name he affectionately bestowed on himself). Burd was committed to proving people wrong and to helping people understand, and followed up his coming out party by undergoing a body modification procedure to look and move like a helicopter. Combined with the more than $15,000 he spent on a wearable cockpit and working gun and rotors, Huey was fully committed to a life of being a helicopter. Burd’s fascination with helicopters began in the 1^st grade, when one crash landed on his house making him an orphan. From that point forward, by his own admittance, he spent almost every waking moment learning about or imagining helicopters. Eventually he realized that this was more than a fascination, it was in fact who he was meant to be. He made initial attempts at his transition in the late 90s, but was rejected by every plastic surgeon and helicopter manufacturer. It wasn’t until 2015 that he found a clinic in Brazil that got him started down the path, turning his feet into landing skids and installing a small turbine engine in his spinal chord. After finally completing the additional stabilizer and gyro surgeries and the cockpit suit, and seeing the success of Dogman in Japan, Huey decided it was time to take flight. His maiden voyage was scheduled for a 1:30pm take-off from the Windsor Tower helicopter pad, a thirty story high-rise intended to give him both scenic views and a great shot for the media. But when the time came for liftoff, Huey experienced some engine issues, and it wasn’t until 1:45pm that his rotors were spinning and he was ready to go. Huey then leapt from the roof, and it was at that point that he plummeted straight down all thirty stories to his death, landing in a large crowd below. Investigators determined that the small turbine engine simply could not spin the rotors fast enough, and the cockpit suit collapsed around him creating an un-aerodynamic, tumbling mass. All told, seven people and one cat lost their lives in the maiden and final voyage of Huey Burd, human helicopter, man-chine, and beloved neighbor. Funeral services are scheduled for next Monday for all seven deceased. Services for the cat will be held on Tuesday. Per Huey’s wish, he will be scrapped for parts, but the service will proceed on Monday to honor his life.