Mars wins FIFA bid for World Cup in 2030

On the eve of the FIFA Women’s Word Cup in Australia / New Zealand, FIFA has awarded Mars as the host location for the FIFA Men’s World Cup in 2030. Mars’ bid won the competition over several well known locations including the Moon, the International Space Station and Antarctica.

The Mars bid was led by Elon Musk who has preemptively laid claim as the Red Planet’s Overlord. “I will bear no expense in bringing mankind to my future homeland on the Red Planet along with the greatest athletic competition in the world in 2030.” Wall Street reacted by skyrocketing up the trading price of Musk owned companies.

“Transport to Mars for the event will likely be provided by Musk’s SpaceX company who are currently building space transport technology,” noted Aerospace analyst Buzz Darkday.

Utility industry analyst Tamra Edidottir added, “Tesla’s electrical storage technology will likely bring energy to the future inhabitants of Mars.”

Venture capitalists working in the “MarsTech” space are now looking for startups who can turn the David Bowie hit Life on Mars into reality. Some notable participants in the race to innovate in the MarsTech space include actor / activist / investor Matt Damon, on-screen & in real life space traveler William Shatner and eccentric filmmaker Wes Anderson.

“Damon has credentials to be the face of MarsTech movement as he starred in the film The Martian. Not only has he faked it in the movie he has water collection experience through his philanthropic efforts with Water.org. But mostly Matt needs redemption as an investor his after crypto.com bust,” noted late-night talk show host Jimmie Kimmel and Matt Damon hater. “Oh, and Fuck You, Matt Damon! Get yer arse over to Mars as Earth will be better off without you!”

Fox Corporation, was especially elated with the news of Mars being awarded the FIFA 2030 bid as their subsidary Fox Sports has been the primary broadcast provider for FIFA World Cups in the United States. Fox also has a reality series, Stars on Mars, hosted by Star Trek star William Shatner. “Captain Kirk has not only travelled to distant planets on Screen, but he reached space on Blue Origin and so he may be the perfect “faceman spaceman” for the MarsTech relocation movement,” noted Real Estate Relocation expert Penny Drumpf. FIFA was also excited about the cross promotional opportunities with Fox such that Fox has also renewed Stars on Mars for multiple seasons. Both parties are also in talks with current and former World Football stars Zinedine Zidane, Leo Messi, David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaká to participate in upcoming seasons of the show.

Other VC’s are trying to work with Wes Anderson, a noted Bowiefile, and filmmaker of the 2023 science fiction comedy-drama Asteroid City. “Anderson’s instinctive style and fictional filmmaking experience will be a welcome addition to our investor braintrust trying to predict and understand how humans could live in another realm like Mars,” commented technology investor Orson Muppet. “If the Mars thing doesn’t work out, then we’ll just have Wes making silly videos for our AR / VR companies.”

There was however notable public disappointment from the FIFA 2030 announcement as the losing bids included some very well known figures who have many adoring fans.

The Moon bid was led by the Kennedy/Schwarzenegger family who lay claim to the Lunar planet since their patriarch JFK inspired mankind to reach the Moon. This bid was rejected by FIFA due to the lack of interest in traveling to the moon. FIFA cited a recent Facebook poll by Boomer influencer and Washington state perennial candidate Goodspaceguy, which revealed that the respondents would rather travel in a submarine to see the Titanic wreckage than to travel to the moon.

The International Space Station bid was led by Vladimir Putin and Russia, but was immediately rejected since FIFA ruling members had already claimed stake in most Russian enterprises and utilities, after receiving them as bribes for awarding Russia the 2018 World Cup.

The Antarctica bid was led by Roald Amundsen Skincare company whose namesake lays claim to first traverse Antarctica and reach the South Pole. FIFA rejected their bid on grounds that natural grass would not be able to be grown there and that the football might actually fall off the bottom of planet Earth during play.

Next up will be FIFA’s awarding of the 2027 Women’s World Cup, which some believe Saudi Arabia may be in the running to host after FIFA reversed their sponsorship for this year’s Women’s World Cup 2023. Some FIFA insiders claim that FIFA is open to any and all bidders as their coffers are nearly bare.