Medicine… Schmedicine

My name is Russell Dobson.  Actually, Russell Dobson, MD. But that was a lifetime ago, it seems.

I was a General Practitioner for several years and I just got fed up with the whole Health Industry. Between the impossible rules and regulations with Health Insurance is the United States and watching other doctors run up insane charges for the smallest things involving their patients, I finally had just had enough. I came to the realization that so many doctors were just reverting to “take this pill” or “we’ll do a blood test” on perfectly healthy people and then raping them with ridiculous bills. It hit me like a bolt of lightning that we (doctors) have it way too easy.

I decided to dedicate my life to making doctors earn their money and work hard to do it. How do you make them earn their money? Just don’t make it easy.

Dentists. Dentists have it easier than any other doctor. When you have a dentist appointment, what do you do to prepare? You floss the week before your appointment, so your gums won’t bleed during the examination. You brush like a madman the morning of your appointment. You swish mouthwash for an hour. And you chew spearmint gum on your way there. You are doing half of their job for them. Instead, eat a liver and onion sandwich for breakfast. Some black licorice for dessert. And eat a bag of Oreo cookies in the car on the way over. Make that dentist (and hygienist) work hard when it’s time to go into your mouth.

Dermatologist. The night before your appointment, roll around in some poison ivy. It will take a toll on you (you’re going to itch), but man oh man will it make them work for their money examining your skin. You can also tell the doctor that your head itches. They will inspect your head for lice. Lay down with your head on an anthill just before making the trip in. Don’t worry. It’s their job to get your head and hair clean. There are going to be a lot of hygiene questions coming your way. Laugh it off and say, “But I shower at least every other month.”

Urologist. Eat nothing but asparagus for three days before your appointment. When you piss in that cup, it is going to be green and stick to high Hell! It will look like you drank toxic waste. They are going to freak out trying to figure out what the problem is with your urine. Make them earn that money!

Orthopedist. Make sure you book your appointment a couple of months in advance. Stop cutting your toenails. Make sure that you walk around in dirt and grass (the deader the better) the whole time up until your appointment. Wear socks in the shower for those couple of months… the SAME socks. When those shoes and socks come off in the office, that doctor is going to freak out! Trust me. He won’t be able to even think of a lotion to cure that ill.

Gastroenterologist/Colorectal Physician. When you are going in for that colonoscopy, stick a few Hershey’s kisses and gummy bears up your ass. In fact, gummy worms work even better. Unfortunately, you won’t be awake to hear the reaction when they go up your bungee. But trust me, the discussion that you will have once you come out of the anesthesia will be epic.

OBGYN: Now I personally would not have the opportunity to do this, but my wife has taken this advice. Insert about 5 tampons all at once and rub a few sardines around your vagina. When those feet go up in the stirrups and you are spread good and wide, there is going to be A LOT of gagging going on.

Finally, Pediatrician: Make the appointment for yourself. Not your children (if you even have children). Make sure you go to the appointment with; a pacifier, a very tight shirt that will not cover your belly button, gym shorts, and a very big diaper. Shoes must be worn on the wrong feet and untied. When they call your name, start sucking that pacifier viciously. You are going to get so many looks. Be prepared. In the exam room, as soon as that doctor comes in, start crying and shit yourself. Don’t talk. Answer all questions with a smile, a shake of your head, and just say, “NO!” Laugh a lot. You’re going to get thrown out eventually, but just imagine the story you just created for that doctor that he is going to share with every person he knows or meets for the rest of his life.

Oh… one more thing! Next time you visit your GP for your annual checkup, and they have to stick their finger up your ass to check your prostate, you’re going to have to disrobe and put on the gown. Before the doctor comes back in, spread some chocolate around your ass. When it’s time for the doctor’s friendly finger to visit your asshole, and the doctor asks, “What’s that?” scoop up some of the chocolate, taste it, and say, “That’s shit.” Get ready for the referral to a psychiatrist.

Enjoy your next doctor’s visit!