Nabisco Makes Huge Move into New Market

Nabisco, the artist formerly known as the National Biscuit Company, announced today that they are making a gigantic move into uncharted territory, the Edible Underwear market. That’s right, your favorite cookie manufacturer will now be offering a selection of edible undies that is sure to delight the taste buds before you dive into your partner’s private selection. Testing and research is still underway to ensure the company’s quality and durability standards are maintained, but the goal is to have Chocolate Chip, Oreo, and Fig Newton under garments on the shelves before the end of the fiscal year. We caught up with the project manager in charge of the move, Christi Ookey, to get her thoughts, “We’re super excited. Most people don’t see it, but edible underwear is quietly one of the fastest growing markets in the world, and we’re going to be leading the way to flavor town. We’ve hit a few snags with chocolate chips, melting and making a delicious mess, but our ‘Under-Shortbreads’ are holding up well, and the Fig Newton G-strings are also showing great promise. We really see a bright future.” Ookey also noted that Oreo undies are still in development, as their cookie scientists have yet to perfect the precise balance of cookie to stuffing. Insiders have called turning sandwich cookies into underwear a miracle and the toughest nut Ookey has ever had to crack. When asked if there would be any surprises to the lineup, Ookey had this to say, “Right now, our focus is simply on getting our signature brands onto clothing store shelves, but we’re also in talks on a collaboration with Milano, as everyone loves their little chocolate biscuits. I’ve got my fingers crossed that they’ll want to get up in there with us.” Fans of the cookie brand have been flooding the company website to put their names on a waiting list, hoping to be the first to put on a pair or gobble one down. We spoke to Dylan Bagg, a fan who is eager to enjoy the edible under garments, “I always tell my wife she’s got the cookie-puss, now it’s true. She really does. And I fucking love cookies. Oops. I mean I love the shit out of cookies. I’m grabbing like 10 pairs so we can really party.” With Nabisco’s new edible underwear and Preparation H’s new flavors, there’s never been a better time to go downtown dining with your lover. There was no word on whether or not Nabisco crackers would end up as underpants as well, but Triscuit lovers everywhere are sure to have their fingers crossed.