National Institute of Health Issues $10M Grant to “Big” Study

Why do men love boobs? The eternal question that has hounded humanity for eons may finally get an answer as the National Institute of Health has awarded Dan’s Research Inc. with a $10M grant to study why men are fascinated with women’s bazoongas. “Real ones, fake ones, big ones, small ones, ones the size of your head, men love mammary mangos. I’m going to find out why,” Dan Reynolds, head of Dan’s Research Inc., said when asked for comment. Having no background in science, no formal education, and initially doing research out of the back of his van and a local bar called The Dark Room, some have questioned why Dan’s Research Inc. was awarded the grant over more qualified applicants. Rose Zelinksy, of the Bilateral Operations & Orchestrations Brotherhood, a feminist science think tank reached out to us unprompted to comment on the issue, “This is ridiculous. Total patriarchy, cronyism move. That grant should have gone to a qualified organization like ours, one that does real research, and not to that… guy. We already know there is a direct correlation between breast feeding and men’s fascination with women’s chesticles, but real research is needed to understand why the formula-fed men end up in the same chi-chi obsessed boat, or whether those are the ones who become ass-men. We just don’t know, and I sincerely don’t think Dan’s Research inc. can get to the bottom of it.” Dan’s Research Inc. has announced that the study is well under way, with hundreds of participants already examined, however they cautioned that it would be some time before society has a formal answer, “We need a true sample size to have an accurate answer, so we’re going to have to examine thousands of women, and with two tatas per woman, you do the math, that’s millions of fun bags we’ve got to thoroughly go through. I mean, this could be my life’s work, I just don’t know.” No end date has been put on the study as a result of it’s scope and scale, but county records indicate that Dan’s Research has purchased a proper facility in the Pacific Palisades to conduct the research. It should also be noted that sources close to Dan Reynolds have said that his published numbers on patients already examined is grossly exaggerated. If you would like to be a volunteer participant, please send your name, measurements, and a full-body photo to Dan’s Research Inc.