Not really satire.

Not really satire.

Sports

New All-Star Games Prevail

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By Jel Michaels


By now NFL Fans throughout the Globe are very aware of the new game that the All-Pros will be playing to recognize the best of the best in professional football.

It will be the inaugural NFL All-Pro Flag Football game. February 5th in Las Vegas, at Allegiant Stadium, the best of the NFC versus the best of the AFC in 7-on-7 Flag Football games. This is obviously being done to provide a game which will be much more appealing than an “actual” football game amongst All-Pro players.

Not to be outdone, three other professional National Sports Leagues are following suit.

On February 19th, the NBA is holding the All-Star game in Salt Lake City, Utah. With the regular All-Star game comes the 3-point shooting contest and the Slam Dunk contest. These contests will go off as usual.

But instead of a full All-Star game as the main attraction, like the NFL, the NBA will be altering their format, as well. They will be holding a 22-man game of H-O-R-S-E. This is sure to be a much more entertaining game than an “actual” game between NBA’s best athletes.

As well, in full swing is the NHL. With their All Stars prepared for the All-Star festivities on Saturday, February 4th, in Sunrise, Florida, so many All-Star activities are planned. There is the Slap Shot contest. The Speed Skating contest. The Target Shooting contest. And normally, this would all be followed by the All-Star Round-Robin games. But, as the NFL is setting the precedence, the NHL will celebrate their All-Stars with a twist, as well.

The game will be a non-contact Round-Robin Field Hockey tournament in Hard Rock Stadium… home of the Miami Dolphins.

And saving the best for last, Major League Baseball has hands-down created the best new All-Star tradition yet. On the weekend of July 11th, in Seattle, Washington, the All-Star festivities will take place at the home of the Mariners. There will, of course, be the Home Run Derby, which is probably the biggest draw of the entire weekend. The crescendo is always the All-Star game. But, instead of playing JUST ONE GAME, MLB has decided to play TWO GAMES on that Tuesday, the 11th.

The first game will be for the Rookies. This will be a Tee-Ball game. 6-innings. 3-fouls and you’re out. Standard Playground rules.

The nightcap will be a Dad’s Pitch Wiffleball game. All All-Stars get to bring their dads to the game, and each Dad gets to pitch to their son. If said Dad is not available for the trip, or if a player has no Dad, that player, unfortunately, cannot participate. The same Standard Playground Rules will apply to this game.

Thanks, NFL. You have finally captured what the “real” fans want. $2,500 per ticket for non-competitive millionaires dicking around! You really have your finger on the pulse of the average fan!

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