Not Getting Better At Getting Better

By Jel Michaels

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Everyone has problems. Not enough income. Bad credit. Family. Depression. Health.

Some are able to cope well and find ways to deal with and overcome their problems. Others may need to turn to professionals for help.

Where therapy and Psychiatry were a stigma in the latter half of the 20th century, it is a thriving business now. And there are so many realms of behavioral health assistance. 

One individual who has branched into a unique category is Dr. Mitchell Miller. Dr. Miller started practicing as a Behavioral Analyst after obtaining his Ph.D in “Brain Stuff” from the Kolèj nan Bgay nan Sèvo (College of Brain Stuff) in Haiti in 2007. In 2015, he dove into Mental Therapy after a second Ph.D in “Secondary Brain Stuff” from Zdobądź Lepszy Uniwersytet Mózgowy (Get A Better Brain University) in Poland.

And after practicing professionally for 15 years, and as an amateur for 4, he has developed his own unique category of care. He refers to himself as a Healthy Analrapist. He defines it as the practice of objectively analyzing what therapy should be used to make someone healthy and if it is worth it or not.

And although his practice is in its infancy phase, he is already making headlines… for all the wrong reasons. Lawsuits.

One such suit is from a woman who we will refer to as Deborah D. She was a patient of Dr. Miller’s this past January. She went to him because she was depressed over her failing marriage and the disrespect she was getting from her children. She told MLP, “I explained to Dr. Miller that I felt like a complete failure. That my husband convinced me that I did nothing right, deserved no friends, and that my kids hated me. I told him that I felt suicidal and that killing myself was my every other thought.”

We asked Deborah what Dr. Miller’s advice was.

She told us he said, “Do it. Kill yourself. It sounds like you really have nothing going for you and your family would be better off without you. Relieve them of their burden… which is you. Don’t be such a selfish bitch. Think of someone besides yourself. And do it cleanly. Don’t make a mess. Be courteous. Drown yourself or take pills. No guns or anything with blood. Stop being so selfish.”

Another patient of Dr. Miller’s was Wendy O. She went to the doctor because she felt that she was a nymphomaniac. She gave us a summary of what she shared with Dr. Miller.

“I told him that I think of sex all of the time. When I’m in a social situation I will always hook up with a man or a woman. And when I’m alone I watch porn nonstop.”

We asked how Dr. Miller responded.

“He said he understood my frustration. He stood up and paced a little. He seemed so concerned for me. He even asked me if I would like a drink. He poured one for himself and sat down next to me. He told me that many females share feelings like this with him. Then he put his hand on my knee and he asked me out. And when I said no, he called me a selfish bitch, dump his drink on my lap, and said there was no hope for a slutty horn dog like me.”

This reporter went undercover and tried to make an appointment with Miller. When I called in, a man answered, “Dr. Miller. Analrapist. How may I help you?”

I said I would like to make an appointment.

He asked, “Will you be paying cash or debit?”

I asked if he would like to know why I was making the appointment first.

He said, “No. how are you paying?”

I asked if he took insurance.

He responded, “Padon. Mwen pa pale angle.  Poukisa ou pa jwenn yon travay ou bouke?  Rele tounen lè ou gen kèk lajan kach, ou pòv pitit gason yon femèl.”

After hours of listening to the recorded conversation we determined that I was told, in Haitian, “Sorry. I do not speak English. Why don’t you get a job you bum? Call back when you have some cash, you poor son of a bitch.”