Nothing Like A Fun Tune To Cheer You Up

Having been fired from Rolling Stone magazine, Billboard, Spin, and about a hundred other indie music rags, I definitely DO NOT know a thing or two about music.

 

However, I do like to think I have an eye for songs that fall under the category of “NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN.”

 

So on that note, I give you the titles, artists, and summaries of the five most ridiculous “Tragedy” songs of all time.

 

5. “The Pickup” – Mark Dinning (1962)

The song begins with a boy taking a dare from a friend to ask out the town skank. The boy talks about how alone she must have been, but how warm her lips were. How soft she felt in his arms. How he fell in love with her immediately. But alas, he couldn’t face his friends if they knew he loved the town whore. So he told her he couldn’t see her again.

THE LYRIC THAT MADE THE SONG!!!

“The morning papers told how she died. Jumped from a bridge. Suicide.”

 

4. “Laurie (Strange Things Happen)” – Dickey Lee (1965)

Like so many early 1960’s songs, this one starts out at a Sock Hop dance at a high school. Our main character meets Laurie, and it just so happens to be her birthday. He immediately falls in love with her. He walks her home from the dance. She is cold and asks for his varsity sweater. He kisses her goodnight at the door. He starts to leave, but decides to go back for his sweater. When he knocks on the front door, Laurie’s dad answers. The boy tells him that he was with Laurie earlier. The dad gets pissed!

THE LYRIC THAT MADE THE SONG!!!

“My Laurie left this world on her birthday – She died a year ago today.”

 

3. “Tell Laura I Love Her” – Ray Patterson (1960)

Laura’s guy, Tommy, wants to buy her a wedding ring. Tommy sees a sign advertising a $1,000 prize for a Stock Car Race and decides that obviously this is the best way to get the money for the ring. He wants Laura to come to the race, but he can’t get her on the phone. So instead, he tells her mom. Specifically, he tells her, “Tell Laura I love her.” Tommy enters the Race, mind you with no previous race car driving experience…

THE LYRIC THAT MADE THE SONG!!!

“No one knows what happened that day, or how his car overturned in flames. But as they pulled him from the twisted wreck…” (In case you’re wondering, Tommy dies.)

 

 

2. “Teen Angel” – Mark Dinning (1959)

Mark Dinning scores twice with the number two spot. No messing around with this one. The song starts immediately with a couple stranded in a car on the railroad tracks. We are not sure if there was an accident or they were just out of gas, but the boyfriend tells us that he pulled his girlfriend safely from the car. Unfortunately, for some reason, the girlfriend decides to run back to the car and is killed when the vehicle is demolished by a train. Was it suicide? We don’t know. But later we do find out his high school ring in her hand when she was killed.

UNNECESSARY LYRIC THAT MADE THE SONG!!!

“I’ll never kiss your lips again. They buried you today.”

 

And the Top Spot, without a doubt!!!

 

1. “Patches” – Dickey Lee (1962)

Like Mark Dinning, Dickey Lee makes the Top Five twice. But he will reign as the Lord, God, King of Tragedy Songs with “Patches.”

In old Shanty Town lives a girl named Patches. Her crappy house is made of wood and mud and tape and spit. But our main character loves Patches. He doesn’t care where she is from. He wants to marry that girl. But his tight-ass parents are pissing on his parade. Because of where she is from, his parents say that marrying Patches would be an embarrassment. Patches waits for him every night and he never shows up. She’s heartbroken and thinks he doesn’t love her anymore.

THE LYRIC THAT MADE THE SONG!!!

“I hear a neighbor telling my father… he says a girl (by the) name of Patches was found floating face down in that dirty old river.”

 

So there you have it. Five great songs that shouldn’t have been written. Now go to Spotify immediately and listen to them. You know you’re going to… and you are gonna to laugh!