Oregon Residents Panic as the last Subaru Ever Rolls Off the Assembly Line
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How is the world going to know how “Green,” we are? How in the world are we going to show off our mountain bikes and our over stickered back windshields?
What are we supposed to do with our Subaru Thermos mugs?
Where are we supposed to put our bikes? On the top of a Ford? Never.
As the Subaru community mourns this loss, they begin a WhatsApp chat group, entitled:
Subaru Sunset
The first topic of discussion: Do we dare become Jeep people?
One WhatsApp Screen name “Subaru_Is_My_Home,” immediately chimes in:
“No way in hell am I supporting an American Company. Jeeps Suck”
“Yeah,” chimes in Port_Rose_Fam.
“Never a Jeep, Forever I’ll Weep,” types Vegetarian_2_Be”
“We need to protest!”
“How do they expect us to drive to Mt. Hood? In a GM Acadia? I’d rather be caught dead. GM hasn’t made a good car in like forever!”
And what about Mt. Jefferson? Not driving there in a Kia or a Hyundai? Not happening
Honda’s ARE reliable, but so not cool. Every safe dad in the world drives an Accord. If they think they’re remotely cool, the get an Accord Sport. You go, big guy. And again, where am I putting our bikes?
Toyota? That’s a no, too.
And what about our autocross races?
This sucks.
What if we start a protest and circle Powell’s Books? Everyone knows that place, everyone will be bound to see us, and we can throw the protest up on TikTok? There’s no way! This WILL NOT be the end of Subaru. Not today!
