OVERHEARD AT SMALL BUSINESSES

It’s always good to support nearby small businesses. Here’s a behind the scenes sneak peek at what it’s like working for establishments that are the backbone of our community.

Local Bagel Shop Owner:

“We are no longer claiming to be “fixing the hole problem” and we are rescinding the statement in our last email blast “We’re feeling pretty good about it (the hole problem) this year”. We are at a total standstill, it’s unbelievable. The boomers think it’s too lewd but the kids think it’s capitalist greed withholding the center! It can be more than that! it’s an everything bagel!! It can hold multitudes! This isn’t some fancy, jelly-stuffed donut shop, it’s bagels. Not that anyone even likes donuts with filling. They’re too heavy, aren’t they? You can’t stand it, can you? Don’t you wish you had a break? Perhaps a perfectly sized missing section in the center? Get over the hole! You need the hole! If this plea doesn’t work, I’m going with the anti-semitic angle next.”

RUSSIAN COMIC STORE JANITOR:

“It smells so bad here all the time. I actually phoned wife to say goodbye one shift because a Magic the Gathering meet-up was being held and very unclean, very sweaty men were open dropping stink so radioactive it reminded me of Chernobyl. Not metaphor. I was there in my twenties, it smelled the same. I was actually never supposed to smell again but this stank was so penetrating it defied all humankind’s physiological wisdom and I was brought back to my childhood. It was almost… beautiful. Anyways, now I wear gas mask and they all think it’s a cool reference to something. They all say different names or shows. Whatever works for them! Crazy stinky Americans. How we lose Cold War is beyond me. And to think I was a dentist in Russia *** unintelligible cursing***.”

MOVIE THEATER EMPLOYEE

“There’s a guy who comes in totally wasted every day for the 1:30 matinee and he just shouts nonsense on the screen for hours then falls asleep. I’m 16 years old girl so the thought of dealing with a belligerent old man scares the shit out me. Like my manager is also a 16 year old girl and no one else works this early so we just let him stay. I‘m too old for this shit. Did that sound mature? I learned to say that from TikTok. Anyways, the guy seems really sad. He’s either like, on his deathbed, or he severely sun-damaged. Is that a thing? Now that I think about it, he‘a probably racist based on what he screams. It’s definitely the first time I’ve heard someone call an Asian person a “moon cricket.” Like, how does that even work?