Rare Moment of Unity in the Park between Opposing Political Parties

Turdcutter Park, so named for Admiral William Turdcutter of Space Force, hosted a massive double protest on Sunday afternoon. The Conservative Unified New Teachers Society was out protesting the latest thing, and in response the liberal leaning Freedom United Competitive Knowledge Society was out in force staging a counter protest against the initial protest. All told, it was a bit of a cluster-fuck in the park as both sides assembled with signs, mega-phones and enough Capri Suns for the long haul. Each group picked a side of the path carving through the park and began hurling totally indecipherable arguments at the other with fervor. The passion was flowing, the logic non-existent, and it was clear that neither side had any chance of swaying the other and that did nothing to deter them. However, at approximately 7:15pm, a man- whose identity is being protected for his safety- began walking his dog through the park. He was not expecting a protest, and as he and his Chihuahua encroached on the designated protest area they were immediately set upon by both sides. The C.U.N.T.S. insisted that the only logical solution was to listen to them, while the F.U.C.K.S. implored him to use his heart to make the right decision. The man immediately alerted both parties to the fact that he would not be choosing a side, as his beliefs, like the very path he walked, fell somewhere in the middle. This however, was not an answer that either side wanted or could accept, and Capri Suns began to fly, followed by a bevy of rocks as tempers flared. Suddenly all hell broke loose when someone took a swing at the man. His chihuahua in turn bit someone else, and then both the Conservative Unified’s and the Freedom United’s joined forces to beat the man, and his dog, mercilessly. For several minutes C.U.N.T.S and F.U.C.K.S worked in unison, throwing kicks and punches and all manner of attacks. Police, who were already on scene to keep order, eventually were able to extricate the man and his dog from the mess and both were taken to the hospital with serious, but non-life threatening injuries. Members for both groups were detained by police for questioning, so we reached out to each party for comment, but all either side did was point fingers and claim the moral high-ground. At least for one glorious moment, thanks to a man and his dog, both parties were united against a common enemy. That brief moment is a shining beacon of hope that we may yet be able to reunite our country, as long as we pick a fight with a big enough asshole and his chihuahua.