Rodman Getting an Assist From Friends in North Korea

Dennis Rodman is getting an assist from his friends in North Korea. After helping Kim Jung Un navigate the world of international diplomacy, the Supreme Commander of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) is returning the favor to the 5-time NBA champion. Kim has committed to helping his best American friend to rebrand Rodman into a sportswear line that would be fabricated in the isolated country.

“I am not only committed to helping my best friend, Dennis, but to create real jobs for the North Korean people,” Kim declared. “This endeavor will bring the DPRK to the leading edge of sportswear and fashion by creating a brand that will exude Dennis’s style of uniqueness, flamboyance and absurdity. I am confident of the success of Rodman and the impact it will have on world culture.”

US intelligence officials say that Kim obtained previously undiscovered market research done on a Rodman brand from the North Korean hacking agency, the Lazarus group. The Lazarus group apparently hacked into sports retail giant Nike’s email system archive to uncover a 2013 market research study revealing that the image of Rodman could gain 2 to 3 times more customers than both of the Jordan and Jeter brands combined. The breached emails also revealed that the Rodman brand development was squashed by Phil Knight, founder of Nike, because he was getting revenge on longtime Detroit Pistons fan, documentary filmmaker Michael Moore. An email stated, “Michael Moore embarrassed me in his film The Big One, by tricking me into revealing that I had no interest in creating American jobs. There’s no way that I’d ever trust inferior American labor to work on the Nike product line. It’d be like having elephants trying to play the piano.”

The Rodman factory is set to open later this year in Hamhung, North Korea, the second largest metropolitan area in the country. Products will be rolling out of the factory in time for the Paris Fashion Week in 2024, where Kim and Rodman are planning to attend.

South Koreans questioned why Kaesong was not chosen as the factory location. Experts believe that the factory location was selected to be far away from both the South Korean and Chinese borders to avoid contraband from easily leaving the country and reducing the likelihood of foreign meddling. Hamhung is located close to the Hungnam Seaport which would be ideal for international export, where most of the product is expected to be sold. Until the Korean War (1950-53) Hamhung had been home to a thriving timber industry, similar to Portland, home of Nike. Some of the timber businesses included the Choi Family Mills, which had been conscripted by the Imperial Japanese to supply cannon parts for their war effort. After being liberated from the Japanese by the Soviet Red Army, Hamhung was eventually developed by the DPRK into a cosmopolitan and industrial center, second only in importance to Pyongyang.

“I look forward to visiting the Rodman factory, where I will lead morning stretching exercises with the workers and play pick-up hoops during the lunch hour,” proclaimed Dennis Rodman. “My delegation to Hamhung will be made up of Portland Trailblazers star, Damian Lillard and members of the Portland Sister Cities coalition to establish community ties between the cities in the US and the DPRK.” The Sister Cities Relationship is being called Operation Trees and Shoes.

Unveiling of the Rodman logo is expected to occur on TikTok during the NBA finals in June.