SCIENTISTS BAFFLED BY ANNUAL OUTBREAK OF ANCIENT STOMACH AFFLICTION

Scientists from around the world continue to be baffled by an annual, ancient stomach parasite that affects only the female population. Every year, especially in the wake of Holidays such as Valentine’s day, or large events like Taylor Swift concerts, massive spikes in outbreaks are reported.  A Researcher, who asked to remain anonymous as their study has yet to be published, was quoted as saying, “There’s a clear correlation between Holidays like February 14^th, and this particular strain of parasite, however we’re miffed as to what it is. None of us has ever experienced it personally.” The Researcher noted that symptoms are often slow to appear—on average taking up to a month—and can include nausea and vomiting, mood swings and irritability, bloating and weight gain, strange cravings, the urge to kill your partner, and after an extended period of time evacuation of a large humanoid parasite in what can only be described as an Alien eque event. When asked if intercourse may be a factor and this a sexually-transmitted disease, the Researcher simply giggled and ran away. If left untreated (treatment options are limited, and live in a social gray area swathed in controversy), the symptoms last up to nine months in most cases, though some have reported shorter or longer incubation periods, and the parasitic invader has been known to take control of the central nervous system and then the rest of your life. In rare cases, multiple organisms can be present inside one woman. Statistically 3 out of 4 women will be affected at some point in their lives.* Additionally, research shows that more than 90% of men are carriers of a dormant version of the parasite, capable of infecting women.  If you, or anyone you know, are experiencing symptoms, please contact the CDC and local medical professionals immediately so that proper care can be provided.  Furthermore, if you’re a woman and you encounter a stray man in the wild, keep a safe distance and alert your local no-kill shelter.

*This statistic is completely made up.