SCIENTISTS ISOLATE GENE FOR HEALTHY SMOKING

At a press conference this afternoon, a team of scientists from the Winston-Salem-Marlboro-Chapman Institute for Social Research and Advancements in Smoking in association with Anheuser Busch, claimed to have successfully isolated the gene that allows for healthy smoking. “Have you ever noticed that some smokers live cancer free forever, while others don’t?” the Leading Researcher asked the crowd, “Well now we know why.” Their research indicates that the genetic traits in question are dominant in some people, and recessive in others, but with proper manipulation of the population could become a dominant human genetic trait across the board. “Essentially we’ll just breed the strong, and let the weak pass on” the Researcher said proudly. At no point did the research team disclose the actual gene that they’ve isolated, instead choosing to elaborate on their plans for the future. Through further research and testing the team intends to eliminate the weak and subsequently the risks of smoking altogether, creating a world where, “everyone, everywhere will enjoy a pack of cigarettes without a second thought. Father and son. Mother and child. Grandma and little Billy and Betty Sue. Everyone.” Although this new research has been considered a smashing success internally, the organization is still under fire for accepting funding and resources from Big Tobacco, which has been called an egregious conflict of interest by critics. When reached for comment, Marlboro representatives had this to say about funding the project, “So what. Why don’t you go smoke a cigarette and relax?” This is a critical breakthrough in the fight to make smoking healthy for all, however, reports indicate it will still be sometime before “everyone, everywhere” is really smoking in good health.